rambling

So, I've had a lot of time to think lately.  I know I know, that might be a dangerous thing, me thinking, only really romantic and over dramatized things can come from this.  Oh and probably some tears(just saying). It's just been a really weird couple of weeks for me lately.  I mean really and truly growing up is a hard thing to do.  And I know that people never say that it's going to be easy.  You know you're parents are always saying well wait until you get older, and wait until you have responsibilities and you have to pay bills and all that jazz that parents like to say.  And for me it's something that I always took seriously but when your a person like me that constantly finds himself in Neverland wondering around trying to gasp onto that last bit of innocence it can all be a little overwhelming and seem to almost smack you in the face when that times comes.

I don't know if any of that even sound remotely like a complete thought.  In my head it did but when my fingers get to typing it all seems like it could just be the ravings of a mad man.  It has been weird to me lately though.  I mean the closer I come to leaving the more I have to deal with the fact that I actually am leaving.  Like this place that I've called home for my entire life will no longer be my home, it's a scary fucking thought.  It's also kind of exhilarating.

It's crazy to think about.  I mean I'm sitting here and I'm just thinking about all the things that have lead me up to this point good and bad.  I start to think what my life would be had I done things just a little bit differently.  I don't know really, I'm sure everybody thinks like this ever now and again.  I mean it seems to be the same old story.  One day you're 18 years old thinking about the future and what all is in front of you.  And then before you even know it yesterday turns into today, today turns into tomorrow, and then tomorrow turns into the rest of your life without you even realizing what is happening.  

I really don't know why I'm even writing any of this.  I think it's because I've changed so much over the past 10 years and it seemed like I didn't even realize just how much I've changed until recently.  I mean i've kind of spent that last two days at home sleeping in some state of depression.  But I started thinking, I was thinking about my time spent in college and how right there on campus corner there were all these places that I use to go to that don't even exist anymore.  Like these bars and restaurants that I used to love to go to that turned into different bars and restaurants and have since turned into different bars and restaurants some of which now I love to go to. (I'm talking about you Fuzzy Tacos) And this made me think over all of these other places that I know have changed over the years.  And it started to make me think, because when you are younger everything seems so final, like it's going to be there forever you know.  Weather it's your parents marriage, or the house you grew up in, or the school you went to, or the baseball park you use to play at.  But as you get older you start to see all of these changes and you begin to realize that everything seems to be a different version of something else and the longer you live the more this seems to be true.

And it gets to a point where you start to forget that old version of what was there.  I think people tend to be the same way.  I think our whole lives we are constantly becoming different versions of ourselves good or bad.  I mean at our core we will always be ourselves, but as the years go on we get a little be more conservative or liberal, we value different things a little be more or less and we have a little bit more life experience.  And the crazy thing for me is that I'm not quite sure that the version of myself from the last 5 years of my life has been my best self.  But I'm hoping the version over the next 5 years will be.  





The Richard Linklater
Sunrise Trilogy one of my 
favorites

Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg's 

Blood and Ice Cream Trilogy 

another one of my favorites

Happy Mother's Day - FOR SHERRY

Today is a special day boys and girls.  I know that if you're reading this then you're probably on Facebook and you probably have seen the millions of updates testing to what you are about to read.  So for that let me just reiterate what everyone and their dogs have already said.  Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and soon to be mothers out there. To all the women out there that aren't necessarily mother's but have look after and loved someone as if they were.  Because without the mothers of the world out there you wouldn't have some sap like me here writing this blog.  Thanks Mom!

Now that that is out of the way I think that I will use this little bit of time I have before me and my sister take my mom to see the great gatsby to talk about a special lady that I have in my life.  To say that my mom is the best mom in the whole wide world would be quite the understatement.  And I guess from as early on as I could remember I have always been a mama's boy.  Now as hard as my dad tried to boyz n the hood me and make me a man (which he did by the way, I am a man, for all those out there that have something to say about it.) I have been and will always be a mama's boy. 

And it's crazy because the older I get the more I realize that I am so much like my mother it is crazy.  Everything in me that is thoughtful of others, patient, loving, and my love for cooking I get from her.  But don't let all that I just said fool you because my mother can also be a bit of a hard ass (somebody just ask on Christopher Ponder if you don't believe me... Oh and as some of you out there might not know who Christopher Ponder is, that's my father)  And I like to think that I get that from her as well.  

I'd like to tell a few stories about her that I always especially remembered.  When I was a kid I played sports, and my dad was always my coach.  Well my mother didn't always come to my games because she thought that she made me nervous.  And I would always tell her that she didn't but in reality she did.  Whenever I would look up in the stands and she her but there I would always try to throw a little bit harder to strike everyone out or swing a little bit harder to hit a home run for her.  Or if I was on the basketball court shot a little bit more to score points for her.  And of course it always backfired and I always had some of my worse games when she came to watch me play.  And after every game I would go up into the stands to sit by her pouting and she would always tell me how great I played, and I would just smile and give her a big hug.  

I remember my senior night playing basketball she came and I we had the whole senior night ceremony before the game or at halftime or whenever and I was so excited.  You have to understand I wasn't really the greatest of basketball players, I mainly got by because I worked hard and was charlie hustle on the court... But on senior night I was gonna score 20 points for her.  I'm pretty sure a few air balls and ill advised three pointers later I was being hell at by my coach on the bench.  We ended up winning the game and I got back in the game and if i remember correctly my stat line was something like 6pts 7rebs 3assts 5tos it was a pretty pathetic night by anyones standers and after the game I went up into the stands and give my mom a hug, and she told me I was the best on out there.

And that's my mom.  It always has been and always will be, even when I suck, which has been quite a bit she always always thinks that I'm the best. 

I was almost done with college and I came home to hang out with her one weekend.  I was in her room laying in bed bothering her I'm sure when I looked over at her nightstand and saw a framed picture of me with from when I "played" at OU if you want to call it that.  She had went on the internet and printed out the picture of me from the website and put it in a picture frame. Even in one of my biggest failures in my life my mom was still proud enough to frame a picture of me.  

So I'm gonna stop writing right now, because I need to go see Leo get is Gatsby on, but let me just end by saying if you have a mother that is even half as cool as my mom, you need to get your ass on the phone or drive over there right now and tell her you love her.  Because it is the mothers that wiped our butts, and comforted us when we were sick, and cheered us on in whatever we did.  I LOVE YOU MOM, THANKS FOR BEING MY BIGGEST FAN.

Moments

It's sunday afternoon and it's a beautiful day outside.  I'm slightly hung over from a great night out with some great people, I'm watching Friday Night Lights, and all I can say is that my heart is full.  I've been meaning to write this post for sometimes now and you know what I thought today was as good as time as any other.  So here I go on another adventure of what I like to think is eloquent writing.  

So in me re-watching this show all the way through for like the third go around(yeah that's right third time through, I am a bit of a loser.)and I realized just what it is I love about this show.  Now besides everything, the thing that I really love about this show are the moments.  Those are the things that really matter in this show.  Every show has its melodrama and every show is trying its best to entertaining.  But not every show can move you with the moments that it puts in them.  And that is exactly what Friday Night Lights does.  

Obviously this is a television show, so of course it's not real, but I promise you if you ever have the chance to watch this show and you don't feel the things that these characters are feeling then you just don't have a heart.  Because every moment that exists in this show good or bad are so spectacular.  And every character is this show gets his or her due.  They all get their moments and then some. And boy do they all shine in them.

And that's when I started to think what is life, but just a series of moments?  And that these moments that we have in life are exactly what shape us.  We take these moments and like puzzle pieces we put them all together trying to make the picture that becomes our lives. All the moments good and bad, the first time you played catch with your dad, the first time you saw star wars, the first time your mother put a band aid on you when you scraped your knee, the first time you pitched a shut out, when you graduated high school, when you got grounded for coming home drunk, when you got cut from the college team, when you watched Closer and realized you loved writing, when you told a girl you loved her for the first time, when you got your heart broken for the first time, when you decided to not be afraid of failure.  These are those moments and this is the picture that has become your life.

I think sometimes we just don't get it though, we just don't see the meaning in these moments or we think they are too mundane or we read entirely too much into them.  We don't just sit back and appreciate them for what they are or for what they mean to us.  I'm going through a complete roller coaster of moments lately and for good reason.  Some of you out there that read this stupid little thing probably know, and some of you don't and that's fine too because it doesn't matter either way, I'm not even going to talk about it. 

Not too long ago I had a totally zen moment... I had this moment that was just so pure of anything that I found myself in tears (I know surprise surprise Brandon's crying again.) the moment was just so beautiful that I just couldn't help myself.  And to steal a line from a movie that I so dearly love in that moment all I could feel was infinite.  And the crazy thing about me saying that is I remember watching that movie (Perks of Being a Wallflower) and when the character said that line I just got goosebumps and thought to myself man i want to feel that.  And then a couple of Saturdays ago I was down at the Arts Festival with my MOM, AUNT, and SISTER and I had to leave to go somewhere, I'm really not sure right now, but I was leaving and I put in my headphones and was just walking downtown on one of the most beautiful Saturdays of this entire year.  And there are people everywhere, and I'm listening to the Django Unchained Soundtrack, and I'm walking by the Devon Tower, and this song Freedom comes on and as the cool breeze his me and the music is blaring in my ears and I'm looking at all these people I realize that I am having a moment that I'm never going to have again, that nobody in the history of the world will get to have again and I just thought about how beautiful life is, even the shitty parts, and I just had to cry tears of joy.

 Now I know that if you're reading this thing you just might think I'm plum crazy. But the truth is I'm just writing this to let people know that they should be taking this stuff seriously, they should take that moment with your mother, or your spouse, or your friends, or your kids, or just that moment spent with yourself doing the thing you love the most seriously.  Because that moment is making you the person that you are this very day, this very second, and that moment is beautiful, and you might never get another one like it.

Cheers

In all actuality I meant to come right in the door and write this entire, but like most things in life I seem to be just a step behind, always just a little late. But now worries, I'm here now and I think I'll write for just a bit.  Now when I say for just a bit I don't mean that I'm going to be long winded like I usually am.  I just wanted to say a few things and mainly to someone I know doesn't even read this, but I'll say it anyway because it means that much to me.  

Cory Williamson is one of my best friends and for the longest time I guess I thought he would go crazy and paint himself green and have everybody calling him Sherk.  And I know that deep down in the back of all of our minds we thought that he was going to just leave one day a set sail and become a pirate.  And today I've found out that that dream or thought that we all might have is alive and well.  Because today my friend Cory passed his Captains Test.  And goddamnit  now I have to actually call him Captain Cory.  But I must say that I'm so freaking happy for him it's silly.  So right here and now I want to say Cheers to Cory.

So if you are reading this make sure to congratulate that premature ejaculator and maybe now that he's a captain he'll finally use his status to get laid more.

Captain Cory "Corpedo" Williamson

Just call him Capt'n Cor!!

The Stories We Tell

I've been thinking of a way to write this entry for the past week.  I know what you're thinking easy with the heavy lifting buddy.  But seriously there is something that I really wanted to say, but I just didn't know how to say it.  It has something to do with the stories we tell and live, and with human contact and the way we treat each other, especially in light of the events of today.  I wish I could better articulate what it is exactly that I am feeling, but I just know that in this moment I am probably going to fail a million percent.

Deep down what it is that I am feeling all comes down to stories.  My story, your story, the person five years from now that I meet and their story.  I love stories, all the way from the most elegant and extravagant to the most basic and fundamental ones.  Stories are why I love to write, they are why I love movies, hell they are why I love people so much.  Because everyone of us big or small young or old, black, white or purple have their own unique story, and that story of theirs is what makes them the person that they are.  

Now I have lived just a shade over a quarter of a century and in that time I have learned that while everyone has a story some of those stories just are worth the time of reading.  Much like a Us Weekly or an In Touch magazine they might have some glitz to their story, but there just isn't too much substance.  These are the people that fall by the waste side.  I feel like at this very moment I should a bit like a dick, but seriously I am being completely for real I have as much use for people with these empty and hollow stories the rag tag magazines i just mentioned as I do an asshole on my forehead.

I say all of this to talk about some very unique stories I heard just a few weeks ago when I was at a buddies birthday party.  One of a person I have known somewhat and the other of someone that I had never met and I know I will probably never meet again.  But both stories touched me in a profound way.  The first was of a girl that shall remain nameless, but she happened to be the wife of a friend of mine, and we started talking about movies and tv shows and all the stuff that pretty much gives me a boner and for the record the longer we talked about all these great tv shows like Arrested Development, The West Wing, Parks and Rec, The Office and so many more I have to say I did get a little aroused.   What a sicko.  Well I am a pervert and Leslie Knope does in fact give me a boner.  But that's not the point I'm getting at, am already getting off track.

So we are talking about TV shows and all that jazz when I find out that like me Aaron Sorkin is one of her favorite writers, and we just go down the list of tv shows he's created and movies that he's written and god it was so much fun finding a kindred spirit in that department.  And after a bit she tells me that when she was in law school in DC she actually wrote a pilot.  And I was just blown away.  Not because I didn't think she was smart enough or anything like that, but just because I thought it was just the coolest thing ever.  And I was just listening to her tell me this  story that I found to be so unique and fascinating and I just felt so very close to her.  And it's not like we are the best of friends or that we ever will be.  She is my friends wife, and she is a good person, and she wrote a pilot once which I think is pretty fucking cool.

The next story is probably the reason it took me so long to finally write this, because really it disturbed me so much and made me feel so bad that I needed a little bit of time to process it all.  If you're reading this and you've read any of my other entries you might know that I am a crier and this story just makes me want to cry.  

So in the middle of this birthday bowling celebration, somewhere in between me getting my TV show Boners I met a guy. A guy named Bruce.  This guy looked to be a guy that was down on his luck.  he looked to be in his early 20's and the closes he wore were a bit dirty, as if he might of worn them for a day or so.  He wasn't smelly or anything but he carried a backpack with him, and you just got the feeling that everything that he owned in life, which wasn't much was in that backpack. 

He came up to me and a buddy of mine to shoot the shit with us.  He was a black kid as are me and my buddy so I think he just felt more comfortable with us.  He asked us both what we did for a living and then told us (and me in particular because my buddy was back and forth bowling) about himself.  He was a hell of a nice guy and he told me he was happy to see a couple of black guys that were positive people and that were doing so well, and that he was trying his hardest to really make something of himself, and you know what I think he will, because even though he seemed to be in a bit of a hard circumstance the guy had a smile on his face the whole time.

But the part of the story that disturbed me, the part of the story that almost made me loose it was when we went to introduce ourselves.  He sat down next to me and told me his name was Bruce, then he held out his hand to shake mine and asked me what mine was.  I shook his hand and told him mine was Brandon.  And the next things that came out of his mouth have to be in the top five worst things another human has said to me, and that includes when my parents sat me down and said they were getting a divorce.  He said to me, "Oh, my league name is Brandon too.  But when I was little I was in a home, and there was already a Brandon there, so they named me Bruce."  I didn't really know what to say after he said that.  

It is moments like this when I think that I want to resign myself from this world, because there are so many people out there that just aren't worth liking.  It's so awful to think that there is this kid and because he is living with these fucking awful people that are too lazy to have two kids in the house with the same name they called this kid Bruce.  Just gave him a new name, so much to the fact that when he introduces himself to people today he calls himself Bruce.  I've been thinking of this guys story and it just crushes my spirit, it really does. But then I think about this guy just always smiling and he had such an optimistic look on life and I thank god that I got to hear this guys story. Because if by some chance something happens to him and he his gone from this earth tomorrow, he will in some part live one because I know him, and I will tell his story, or at least the story of him that I know.

When I was in college, one of my favorite professors asked us all what "our stories were"?  He was going around the room asking us, but nobody really got it.  He had to tell us his story before it really clicked.  I remember this day very well because it was one of the first times I was truly honest with someone about how I was really feeling in that period of my life.  I remember it all very well.  After nobody really got it he stopped and told us "his story", He said, "My story is I was in love with two women and I had to make a choice and go on living the rest of my life."  When he said that I remember thinking that I don't ever remember a time where someone of authority or being an adult had ever been so honest with a group of kids.  And when he came back around to me and said, "Brandon, what's your story?"  I told him straight up that my story was, "The thing I wanted and loved most in life I failed at, and now I'm trying to figure out what that next thing I'm going to love is."  And I remember leaving that class feeling so free having said exactly what I felt, which I really hadn't done before.  

And now many years have passed and my story has changed quite a bit, and even though I am still the same person as I was back them I am completely different if that makes any since.  And right now I would say that my story is.... "Me trying to get up the guts to be the person that I've always wanted to be, so that the people I love can be proud of me."  WHAT'S YOUR STORY?

Just my version of an early Christmas Present

NATIONAL SIBLINGS DAY, WHAT?

So today in the Ponder Household it was National Siblings Day!  Now before the day started the thought of that just made me vomit.  Another completely made up day for ridiculous people that have nothing better to do right??  That is absolutely 100 percent wrong!!!  You see the more I fight it and try to fake the funk the more it always seems to come back and slap me right in the size 8 hat wearing head. (You heard that correctly, that's SIZE 8)  I absolutely without a doubt have the best sibling in the world and I will fight anybody out there that tries to say any different.  But back to the narration of my day.

To start off this morning right around the time I was taking my morning piss and wishing that I could jump back in bed for five more days, my text message on my phone goes off.  And at this point I'm thinking who is texting me at 7:45 in the fucking morning.  Oh it's my sister reminding me that it's national siblings day and tell me she can't wait until dinner tonight. (Oh yeah I forgot to tell you my sister told me a few days ago that today was national siblings day and that we would be spending the evening having dinner together.)  Wasn't really the light at the end of the tunnel that is my day that I was hoping for.  So I go to work (total bullshit, I won't bore you with the details) deal with that fiasco and then get off and I am to meet my sister at my moms so that we can go to dinner. (she has a Groupon!!!!)

Well long story short we don't use the groupon and we end up at Outback were I must say that we just have a delightful time.  The conversation ranges from the service, which I am of the general consensus that Outback has gone down in service which I'm still trying to put my finger on why that is. (there will be more on that at a later date I'm sure)  My sister on the other hand thinks I am mistaken.  We also talk about stuff that happened to my sister ON YESTERDAY (her words) and her general displeasure to the nissan dealership because of the fact that every time she takes her car in to get it serviced they don't wash it after they are done with it.  Which is my favorite conversation of the night because as crazy as my sister is she has a damn good point.  The next time you see her ask her about it she'll love to tell you about it I'm sure.  

No somewhere in the middle of dinner I ordered a beer.  And when they brought out the beer it was in a bit of a fancy pint glass that I mentioned that I liked.  Now this may not have happened at all this way but I like to picture that it did so fuck anyone who says that I'm wrong about it.  So after I mentioned that I liked the glass our conversation went on and we ate dinner and we talked about so many different things but my big sister being the person that she is could think about nothing other than getting her little brother that glass.  I mean hell it is National Siblings Day after all.  So after the check comes and we pay for everything and we realize that we need to get home to watch Modern Family I slam the rest of my beer so we can go.  As I'm about to slide out of the both my sister says to me, "finish the rest of that beer."  which I already had, all but the tiniest bit that was still in the glass. It was at this point I said "I have." and picked it up and showed it to her.  Then she asks me if I want the glass or not because apparently she is going to stick it in her purse.  I'm so nervous and I tell her flat out I'm good at these types of things, to which she responds, "I know but I am."  So she waits until the coast is clear puts the glass in her purse and we rush out of the restaurant like a couple of Jr High kids.  Happy National Siblings Day to me.

But that's not where the story ends my friend, after watching a great episode of NASHVILLE I start talking about my ITUNES library and how some of the music is separated even though it's all part of the same album.  It is at this point where the person that earlier this evening said, ON YESTERDAY grabs my computer and schools me on sincing up my ITUNES library and how to combine this songs that are on the same album but when they get downloaded to ITUNES somehow end up separated.  I was absolutely amazed and we both had a five minute laugh about it.

So that was my day in a nutshell.  To say that I had an amazing NATIONAL SIBLINGS DAY would be a giant understatement.  I have to best sister in the world, and like I said earlier in this I will fight anybody that tries to say any different.

HAPPY NATIONAL SIBLINGS DAY TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!

Something Personal

So right now at this very moment there are things and forces at work that are shaping the rest of our lives and we don't even know it.  There are things that we have control over and then there are things that are completely out of our control.  And all of these things are shaping us without us even really knowing, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. I say all this because, well I guess I don't really know why I said all that.  

For as long as I can remember I've loved baseball.  I mean I just loved it, and when it didn't work out I was kind of lost.  I had to find out what else I loved.  I realized that I love people and want to do whatever I can to help them.  And I always realized that I love stories and the uniqueness of them.  And I thought to myself maybe I could write one of those stories one day.  So I've been working on something lately, kind of a simple prose and I've let a few people read it but I thought to myself, today why not let more, so here goes nothing.....

The Dreams of Reality

By: Brandon K Ponder

I'm in love with a girl I seem to barely even know.  Or maybe I'm not.  Maybe I'm just in love with the idea of this girl.  And I know some people might think that is childish, but really what's wrong with being in love with an idea?  Einstein fell in love with an idea.  It turned into the Theory of Relativity.  That seemed to work out okay.

I know I shouldn't be as invested in this with a girl I barely even know but I can't help but feel that somehow she is very important to me.  With that messy blonde hair and those crystal blue eyes that are as bright and as deep as the Pacific Ocean.  I love the fact that her style is understandably overstated and I don't really get it but like gravity I'm constantly pulled back towards it.

I'm in love with a girl and I don't even really know if she knows I exist.  I mean in the physical sense of course he knows because we've seen each over several times and even shared a drink once if I remember correct.  I'm talking about the mental or carnal aspects of a relationship.  The good stuff that forces you past like and into love.  Did that joke I told really land or was that slight smile just for courtesy?  When I stood next to her during that flip cup game and our fingertips glanced and she locked onto mine for the slightest of seconds was she flirting or was it just happenstance?

I know that this is probably a long shot but maybe I should start planning the last first date she'll ever go on.  Should I take her out to a nice romantic dinner?  What if my awkward conversation doesn't scare her off?  What if she finds the fact that I don't know whether to order white or red wine with dinner endearing rather than embarrassing?  Maybe then I can go out on a limb and take her to a little vintage movie theater where I go to find solace.  Or should I invite her for drinks at one of those new Gastropubs?  Just to show her that I am somewhat of a beer connoisseur.  After a couple of tall glasses of liquid courage and some well timed flirting I can lean in and tell her I love her.  After all it worked for Ted Mosby.  Well I guess not really, but kind of.

I'm in love with a girl and the sad thing is she might not ever know it.  You see I have this thought in my head that I might be one of the last great romantics.  And as such I believe that only unfulfilled love can be truly romantic.  And the image that I have of her at this very moment is quite perfect so why spoil all my hopes and dreams on a silly thing like reality?  But maybe this notion is more romanticized than it actually is romantic.  and even though sleeping is sometimes better than waking the slightest of odds or percentages of being with her has to be better than any dream.

I'm in love with a girl can there possibly be anything better?  Not for me, not today, I won't wait until tomorrow for her to know it.