Versions of Ourselves

Well, well, well, it's been a little bit hasn't it.  You know when I started this whole thing I was planning on writing on this thing everyday.  I was going to write and so many people were going to read this thing and I would get some kind of validation that I needed because I have this huge insecurity about writing. That time, the way I felt about everything feels like a different life ago.  It's funny, since I've moved out here to LA I've had a lot of time to think about a lot of different things. Things like where I'm going and where I've been.  It's a funny thing thinking about all the places you've been and the possible places that you might go.

I went to the Pacific Ocean yesterday.  That sentence in and of it self is enough for me.  I can't even begin to tell you the magnitude of that moment.  Just being there and looking out over the horizon into an infinite body of water I can't even begin to describe the feeling I had.  Just being there and realizing just how small that I am.  I mean god the push and the pull and the power of this ocean is incredible, and I was out there in the ocean getting tossed about and I realized that all my so called problems and worries didn't matter that much.  I could have been sucked under and gone forever and what would it really matter.  I'm just a speck, just a thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper.  There are so many beautiful and wondrous things out there that everyone takes for granted.  There are so many things out there that we all take for granted.  

I'm sorry, I am officially off topic.  I'm so busy talking about the mighty Pacific that I lost my whole train of thought about what I really wanted to talk about.  Which I guess is change.  So now that I really have you all hooked, I'm not gonna throw you back just yet. 

So, since I've been out here in LA I've had so much time to wonder around this city and think since I and incredibly and hopelessly unemployed.  So with all the thinking that I've been doing I've had time to think about change.  The change that I'm thinking about of course is within myself.  I mean I look back to 3 or 4 years ago and I have realized just how different a person I was.  It's hard to even think about it but I am such a different person.  I thought I had a real handle on things back then but now looking back on it all I realize I just didn't.

I don't know why I'm even saying all these things except for the fact that I've just now realized that there are so many things out there that become different versions of themselves.  I never thought much about it but even when I was in college there was a bar that we all use to go to and it changed names and ownership like three different times.  And every time it changed we would all go back only there was always something about it that was a little different.  Something that was missing.  It was like and evil version of itself.  I think now it's a salad place or a health food store, which is really disappointing. 

So after thinking about this for quite sometime I thought to myself, "Am I nothing more than another version of myself?"  I know for a fact that I am.  It's a weird feeling let me tell you but I think it's good.  Because the me from 3 or 4 years ago, that guy was something else.  

I know that years from know I'm going to look back on those 3 or 4 years and think what in the world was I doing.  That was not the Brandon that I wanted to be.  I think those might end up being the lost years.  3 or 4 years ago I was in love with a girl.  And she wasn't just any girl, at the time she was the girl.  And I thought that if I did just enough, if I changed the type of person that I was and became more of the type of person that she wanted me to be then it would be everything that I wanted it to be.  I thought that maybe, just maybe if I was less of myself and more of what everybody else thought that a responsible adult was then she'd love me like I loved her.  But the thing about that is that if you change who you are to try and please someone else, chances are that thing change that you undergo will end up being the thing turns them off from you.  

It's weird for me the think about all the different versions of myself there have been or that there will ever be.  I think now more than ever we are living in an ever changing world so chances  our by the time I'm dad and in an ash vile around my close friends' and families' neck (now that's a story for another time completely) I will have been 5 or 10 different versions of myself. 

The thing that really gets me when I think about all the different versions of myself that I'm going to end up being is that when I really stop and think about things I always wonder if the version of myself that I am right now, if my grandfather would be proud of that person.  I know it sounds crazy, but basically my grandfather was the greatest guy that I've ever known so if the version of myself that I am at this exact moment, if that guy isn't a guy that he would be proud of, then I have to change my situation.

And that guy from 3 or 4 years ago, I'm pretty sure that he would not have been too proud of him.  This whole thing right here has not been my best.  But I'm going to post it anyway.  I hope when you read it you don't think to bad of me, I've have written better and I will write better.  Thank you.