The Me I Am, and The Me I Wanted to Be

Let me preface this whole thought, or statement that you are about to read by saying this plan and simple.  I know that I have lived and am living a charmed life.  My parents have always bent over backwards two times to make sure I had everything that I ever needed.  And even though I am the world biggest nerd and klutz and just awkward person in general most of the time I was blessed with this ability to find my groove and I have always been able to find and keep amazing friends.

So know that I have thrown that all out there I feel that it is safe to say that being me has not come without consequences, and sometimes all I can say is that it just downright sucks.  And really yesterday seemed to be the culmination of a life spent being ME.  

I don't want this to be a long story so really I'm going to try to only hit the highlights, but lets face it once I get going I can be a tad long winded.  So yesterday I woke up on the right side of the bed.  The air smelt sweeter, I felt totally refreshed, and I started the morning off with a great movie by the name of LOOPER. (If you haven't seen this movie, shame on you, and go see as soon as possible) Then I get a phone call from a friend of mine Cooper Hagedorn and the rest as they say is history.  And by HIStory I mean MYstory that you are about to here right now.

So Cooper has a friend that is shooting a rap video and he needs some PA help for the day, and I thought it would be a great opportunity to meet some people and to just stay busy and keep myself motivated.  So I get to set out in Santa Monica and everything is great.  All the people on set are awesome and I just love it.  This is the world that I love.  I love being on a set, I love helping to create something that is special.  Even if it's not special to me, I know that it's special to somebody and I get to be a part of it.

So the hours a rolling by and everything is going great. We are getting the set ready to shoot, and we even set up for the shots we were going to do later that night.  We Blacked out all the windows in the house so that we could start with some early shots, and everything was going to plan except for one thing.  A piece of the paper that we had used o place out the kitchen window was falling down and basically I was the only one tall enough to put it back up.

And this is when I basically "Brundoned" the situation as Cory Williamson would say. (Brundon is the alternate version of myself that is basically super lame, and pretty dorky, according to Cory) Sorry for all the filler.  So I go outside and attempt to put the paper back up.  Now there is a wooden stool out there for me to stand on, but to be honest I'm not to comfortable with it because it seems to be a little unsteady.  So I go around the house looking for something better to stand on, but low and behold I cannot find a thing. 

So of course against my better judgement I begin to test out the stool.  And after extensive and scientific tests for about a minute and a half I made an assessment that it was safe to climb the stool and put the paper back up.  There are mistakes that you make in life and then there are mistakes.  I would say that this was the former and the latter.

Now I'm up on the stool trying to keep my balance and trying to put the paper up at the same time.  And as I reach to put it up, and as I just about had it I hear a subtle cracking.  Yes it was the stool breaking right underneath me.  So I of course do what any person in my situation would do, I instantly panic and decided to jump from he stool.  But as I am what I would call jumping backwards my foot gets caught sending me tumbling down somewhat and as I try to catch myself I hear my shorts tearing right at the crouch.  

In my head I all I can think is of course this would happen to me, and that thought was instantly erased by the feeling of me hitting the ground.  And as I lay there dirty, defeated, and shorts split right up the crotch all I could think was that I...am...not...Cary Grant.  Now that is not really what I was thinking but I think you get the point, and really I'll speak more on that in a second.

I pick myself up, dust myself off, and look down and my shorts to check the damage.  And they are really bad.  Like really, really bad.  And just then a girl that is working on production comes outside to see me hunched over holding my crotch and she asks me what is wrong.  I do my best to play it off but I eventually give in and tell her I have split my pants up the crotch.  And she's great about it telling me we can us gaffer tape and fix it right up.  And I think to myself well maybe this will work out after all.

Now upon her suggestion I go into the bathroom and take off my shorts and give them to here to try and patch up.  And as I stand in a perfect strangers bathroom that I had just met in my underwear I looked into the mirror and thought to myself... I...am...not...Sidney Poitier.  She does the best with what she has and I'm back to work with shorts that have been taped up and I'm doing my best to make a joke out of the whole situation with people that I had just met.  And to be honest I'm doing a great job at it because lets face it this is not the first time something like this has happened to me.

Everything is fine now and I'm trying my best to just push through it and be about the work and not about the fact that my pants just split open and the tape job that was just performed is not holding up.  And it is at this point that I find myself holding my crouch, but I'm doing the work and I am determined to push through it.  It is at this very moment, that the director of the video and the girl that helped with the tape just come outside with a worried look on their faces and tell me I should probably go home and get a change of shorts.

And this is the moment when the self deprecating doubt sets in.  And I think these poor people that I met must be freaked out by the guy that his been flashing them for about an hour.  At this point I don't want to drive home to get shorts because home is about an hour away, so I decided to find a target in an area that I don't know at about 4:45.  What a mistake.  So after about 25 minutes of being flustered in traffic trying to find a place to by shorts I just say fuck it, I'll go home and grab a pair.

Now I'm on the 405 freeway at about 5:15 trying to make it home in standstill traffic.  So let the meltdown begin.  And that is exactly what I did, I had a complete meltdown on the 405 and I'm sure that some people driving home after a hard days work got quite a show from me.  So an hour and a half later I make it back to my place and I just decide I am done with this day.

My buddy Cooper talks me into going out for a drink and I do and it was such a good time, but while I was out with him I talked to him about this very concept that I shall now talk to all of you about.  I know exactly the me that I am.  I've always been that me for my entire life and I have learn to make it a strength rather than a weakness.  But why can't sometimes or really just for once I be the me that I always wanted to be.  Why can't I be the Cary Grant, Sidney Poitier, Humphrey Bogart, or the Han Solo.   Why can't I just be the cool and classic and debonair person for once.  

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being me.  It builds character being the person the falls out of chairs at a cookout or being the guy that falls off the stool and splits his pants up the crouch, but you know sometimes I'd just like to be that other guy.  Is that really too much to ask for.  So yesterday was a bad day, but that's okay because the bad ones make you more thankful for the good ones.  I hope you all enjoyed it, just another day in the life of Brandon Ponder.

Enjoy this clip, if you haven't already.

An Evening with John Williams.......And Cooper Too.

Have you ever had a day in your life that after it was over you thought to yourself how could anything have mattered before this day.  I remember having a feeling when I played baseball that I was the luckiest person in the world to get to go out and play a game that I loved everyday.  I know the feeling when I sit down in the movie theater is something like a spiritual cleansing that makes everything in the world make sense.  But just last Saturday I had a feeling that was something that I hadn't quite felt before.

This entire year I have listened to people talk and read on Facebook about all kinds of concerts and just how great they were or how great they are going to be.  The Beyonce concert, Bruno Mars, Jason Boland, and how no one can wait until Mumford and Sons comes into town.  And let me just say that I believe that all those concerts were great, and the performances were probably fantastic.  But last Saturday I went to a concert and it was more than anything I could ever imagine.  It was transcendent.  I got the pleasure of going to see the great John Williams and the L.A. Philharmonic play with none other than Mr. Cooper Hagedorn.

Some of you may not know who that is so let me enlighten you.  He is probably the greatest living film composer, and for that matter just the greatest film composer period.  With such films as Jaws,Star Wars, Indiana Jones, E.T., Superman, Hook, War Horse, Lincoln, and so many more.  To say the man is a musical genius is just an understatement.  And I got to sit in a stadium with thousands of people and watch and listen to him preform.  When I die and I'm up in heaven kicking it with Jesus talking about the many mysteries of life, like how he did it with boobs and just how great they are, I know that I will be listening the the many wonderful scores of John Williams.  

Now that I'm thinking back on it all the day feels kind of like a blur from the cook out, to the pool party, and then the concert. It was such an amazing day all around and I was just the perfect amount of drunk by the time we got to the concert and it will be a memory that I hold in my heart for as long as I am alive. 

In the first half of the show he played the score from The Pink Panther.  I know that you all know that tune and when it started up tears streamed down my face, because I was instantly transformed back to my childhood sitting in the living room on a boring Sunday playing with my Ninja Turtles on the floor while my dad cracks up laughing watching The Pink Panther on A&E.  And that is exactly what the night became.  Me being transported back in time to all these beautiful moments that I had just assumed were gone forever.  And I realize now that those moments will never be lost.  I know that I will eventually get older, or at least I hope that's the case.  And as bad as my memory is now I'm sure I'll have some sort of dementia or worse, but I know I'll never lose those memories.  Not as long as I can turn on some John Williams.

In the second half of the concert he played selections from Indiana Jones and of course Star Wars, and what do you know I was in tears again.  Transported back in time once more to when I was a kid and the hero inside of me was alive and well.  And I'd run around the house and the yard pretending I was a Jedi.  Knowing in my young heart of hearts that I was going to save the world someday, because of course the world needed saving and I would be just the man for that job when I got older.

It's a funny thing remembering that young boy who wanted to save the world and then waking up everyday and looking in the mirror at the man who is just trying his best to exist in it.  Well not anymore.  I don't think I'll ever be the same after listening to that concert Saturday night and thank god for that.  I think it's time for me to be the man that wants to save the world instead of just existing in it.  I think I owe that boy that much.  I also owe one Cooper Hagedorn, and not for inviting me to the concert, but for being the person sitting next to me in the stands yelling out, "DO IT JOHN, PLAY E.T.!"  And what would you know he did just that.  

I'll never forget the night I sat and listened to John Williams and the L.A. Philharmonic.  It was a perfect moment in time for me. I don't know how many more of those moments I'll get in life, but I do know that I will take them as they come and be damn thankful for every single one of them.

The Importance of Last Words

So I've basically had this one locked and loaded for quite a while now but I just couldn't get myself to write it and for some reason I woke up today and thought to myself this is something that I need to say.  So let me tell you from the start that this is probably about to get heavy, so this is your official warning right now to stop reading if you can't handle the personal thoughts of a somewhat mad man. (But seriously I need more people reading this so you should totally read the whole thing.)

So the following is something that I really haven't told very many people, if any really.  These could quite be some of the most personal thoughts that you read on this blog.  It all started a couple of months ago.  I was watching one of my favorite shows, and one of my favorite story arcs on said show.  The show is How I Met Your Mother  and the story arc is when Marshall's dad dies.  There is an episode when they all go to the funeral and they are talking about last words.  As in the last words you'll ever hear or talk to someone you love.

This episode always strikes a nerve with me, but mostly that is because I am a bit of a sap.  And by sap I mean to say that, I cry a lot.  But something really started to stir up in me.  Maybe it is because I'm so many miles away from home or maybe it is because I am finally doing something in my life that I feel matters but something that I have sort of hid down deep came up in me and I began to cry uncontrollably.  I'm talking little boy in his room that was just told he couldn't go to the arcade crying uncontrollably.  

The crazy thing is I really didn't know why.  I mean I had seen this episode a number of times and while it always makes me cry a bit, it is nothing like this. I had to really examine my feelings and when I stopped and really started to think about everything. And the truth is that every time, every single time I watch this episode or this story arc it makes me think of my grandfather.

Now the thing about my grandfather you have to realize is, that he is the single greatest person I've ever met in my life.  I know that sounds a little bias but I assure you that this is not the case.  Ask anybody who knew him or ever met him and I'll guarantee you they will say the same.  A couple of years ago my mom told me a story about me and him.  How my grandfather who was always suppose to be on some special kind of diet would always get in trouble with my grandmother because he always had a secret stash of Oreos or Peanut M&Ms for me and him, and when he would get caught he would always explain that he bought them because of how much I liked them.  I don't remember any of this of course because I was just a little kid and I just don't have the best of memories when it comes to anything really, but the funny thing about it all is that Oreos and Peanut M&Ms are pretty much my two favorite sweet treats to this day.

But that is not why I'm writing this.  Not to tell you a hokey story about me and my grandfather (which is pretty much the cutest thing ever if you ask me).  No the real reason I'm writing this is because there is a story that I don't think to many people know and I wanted to tell it to emphasize the over all importance of last words.  

So at a very weird and emotionally charged time in my life.  The end of what I thought would be this great baseball career, my struggle with college, and the overall feeling of uncertainty in my life.  Right at this very point my grandfather died.  Now my grandfather was a spectacular man and he lived the best and fullest life that any man can live.  He served in the military, he raised a family, and he was married to the love of his life for over 60 years if I'm not mistaken.  He was a man that truly left this earth a better place than it was before he got here, which in my opinion is the single greatest thing any person can do on this earth.  And when he was gone I remember being very sad, and I cried a lot when I found out.

Now the crazy thing about it all is at least for me it was to be expected.  I mean my grandfather had already had multiple heart surgeries and almost exactly a month before he passed away my grandmother had passed.  I was sad because I couldn't remember the last conversation that me and him had.  I've thought about it so much since he's passed driving myself crazy over the fact, and to tell you the truth I've hated myself for quite sometime because of it.  Now I know that it wasn't a fight or anything because that was never what my grandfather and my relationship was about.  Our relationship was about him talking to me telling me this fantastic stories or teaching me things about life without really trying to teach me.  So I'm sure at the end of our last conversation I hugged him and told him I loved him and he told me he loved me like he always did, but I just couldn't remember it.

And the funny thing is that right before he died I had plan to go into the city and talk to him.  My faith had been challenge for sometime at that moment in my life, but I had this need to get back what I had lost and I knew that he was the person to do it. I knew that he would have or know the things to say to get me to where I needed to go.  And for whatever god awful and stupid ass reason I didn't make time to go see him.  I was too busy doing whatever dumb fucking thing I'm sure I always did to drive into the city and talk to my grandfather about my faith.  And then it was too late and I never will get that chance.  There are a million things in life to regret, things left unsaid, chances you didn't take, opportunities that you missed out on.  But let me just tell you out of all the things that have happened to me in life, that is the thing that I regret the most.  And it has taken me some time to get past the regret of it all.

I know that my grandfather was proud of me and that he loved me. And I know that he is looking down on me right now with all the patience in the world that only he has or had.  So that really not the point.  The point is that last words matter, they just do.  And it matters that to me at least that I can't remember the last words I said to my grandfather or that he said to me.  And it really kind of sucks because I have so many wonderful memories of the two of us, even the memories that I can't really remember.  So if any of you are out there still reading this and have listened to me go on and on let me just say again that last words are important.  And really and truly you don't know when it'll be the last time you talk to someone.  Because things in life change in an instant.  So my advice to you is to always tell the ones that are close to you that you love them, even when you are mad at them, even when you can't stand them.  Because we just never truly know when the words we say will be our last.

For my grandfather: Miss you ever day, and I hope I'm just like you when I eventually grow up.

Top 5's Redux: Video Games

So in honor of me thinking about the movie High Fidelity today in an interview I was just thinking that I would bring back my Top 5 Lists.  So before any of you say anything, I would just like to say you are very welcome for all the things that I am about to say.  Just kidding, really stop reading right now because the rest of this is just going to be written masturbatory drivel really.  

So here with no further ado I will start with my Top 5 video games of all time list.  I know everybody can really sink their teeth into this one.  And seriously feel free to disagree with me... You will obviously be dead wrong, but I'd love any and all of your input out there. (he said sarcastically)

So let me get this list started right and start with a video game  that is near and dear to my heart.  1.) DOUBLE DRAGON 2: THE REVENGE.   Now this game was on regular Nintendo and all I can really say is that this game is just so amazing.  Now I must admit that I haven't played this game since I was but a wee boy so it could in fact not be the best of games but in my mind there will never be one better.  I take an unusual amount of pride in this game because it was the first video game that I ever beat.  I remember being a child and playing this game for hours upon hours and when I beat the game no newspaper wrote about it, history didn't alter and head off on another path, hell I don't even think I told my parents about it. But sitting in my parents bedroom, that I shared with them by the way in a little two bedroom apartment when I beat that game there was something magical that happened for me.  And as sad as it may sound that is one of my first big accomplishments that I really remember.

2.) Super Mario Brothers 3.  This game too was on the regular nintendo and let me just say as far as I am concerned it is probably my favorite video game of all time!!!  I mean I feel like this game had everything.  It was super challenging and it took so long to beat the damn thing.  And I remember I would spend like 2 weeks a summer up in Ponca City, and that game was pretty much the main feature.  Me and my cousin Micah spent soooooooo many hours trying to beat and finally beating that damn game.  I remember the first time we found a glitch in the game that we called "turtle topping", where mario would get get a turtle and he would get it stuck between him and a block and he would basically just continue to bounce up and down on the turtle gaining almost unlimited extra lives.  Those were some of the best summers of my childhood, watching the BREAKIN' movies and playing Super Mario Brother 3. 

3.) NCAA FOOTBALL 2008 thru 2010.  This game was on the Playstation 2 of course.  because once Playstation 3 and XBOX 360 got a hold of this franchise and pretty much ruined the damn thing as far as I'm concerned from a purest standpoint.  And you heard me correctly, once these bigger badder video game systems got a hold of this game they lost all integrity and the game play just turned to shit.  It was all about the graphics and not enough about the substance.  But really the reason why this game is so special to me is that at a time when I was at my competitive peak in college. I was playing baseball, booze cruising, and not crushing as much ass as I should have been and there was one thing that I could always count on, and that was that I could dominate anybody in NCAA FOOTBALL.  Now there is my best friend Bryan who was basically the only person in the world that was as good at this game as I was and could beat me. And boy did we have some battles. I use to love kicking ass at that game.  And then there was also the funniest moment I ever had in video games when I walked in on my college roommate Cooper Hagedorn beating the computer some 75 points to 0.  He was playing the game on Junior Varsity or the easiest level and when I asked him why he would do that, because the game wasn't a challenge.  He proceeded to tell me he doesn't spend a lot of money on these games to feel bad about himself when the computer beats him.  he spends money so he can dominate, and I must say there is something so true and noble about that statement.

4.) MARIO CART 64.  This game was on the Nintendo 64 which was such an awesome system.  I remember as a kid when this video game system came out I just couldn't freaking wait to get this system.  I know my parents must had just hated hearing me talk about at because it was all that I talked about.  I even got my parents to get me a subscription to the nintendo game informer magazine.  But let me tell you that some of the funniest times that I had in college were drinking beers and playing Mario Cart 64.  We would lose hours of study time, and hours that we probably should have been out hitting on girls playing Mario Cart 64.  And let me just say that I pretty much owed everyone as WARIO who was like me a vastly underrated character.  There was even this "Fantasy Life League" game that we all played, I came up with by the way.  And part of the game had to do with playing Mario Cart 64.  Another part of the game had to do with hitting on girls, helping your friends hit on girls, and buying beers for your buddies.  We were so mature when we were in college.

5.) BOMBER MAN 64.  This game was also for the Nintendo 64.  Now I know all of you out there might just think that I am crazy and you are probably saying to yourself that I never even played this game so how could this make anyone's top 5 list.  And let me just say that there is one reason and one reason alone that this game made my top 5, and that is one Bryan Ozuna.  Some of the best memories of my young life were me and him staying up all night, and when I say all night I mean sun coming up because we lost track of time playing this game all night.  We would play this ridiculous two player battle mode that was on the game and we would cut the time all the way down and the outcome would be these epic battles that had both of us in awww of what had just happened.  I mean we would be just giggling like two little school girls all night long.  He recently got married, well he got married a year ago to the amazing Kyla by the way.  But before he did, you bet your ass we played a little Bomber Man 64 to ring out the last of his bachelorhood (that can't be a word, can it?).  

Anyway, that is the first of my top 5 list and I know you my think that you have a better list but let me tell you, you don't.  But I would love to hear what any of you out there think.  Some on the honorable mention games that just barely missed the cut were.... SUPER TECMO BOWL, MARIO 64, DOUBLE DRIBBLE, LARUSSA BASEBALL 95, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2, ALL-STAR BASEBALL

My Religion

Well, well, well, what do we have here?  If you are reading this I really can't even believe that you are still tuning in to read about the adventures or really the mis-adventures would probably be a more appropriate word for it.  But here you are so I guess color me flattered.  I will do my best not to completely bore you all and to not go on one of my completely out there tangents that I have been known to go on a time or two.

I guess that it's fitting that I am writing this post today as it is Sunday and I feel as if just not too long ago I just had a sort of religious experience.  And before I really get into all of this let me just start out by saying to all of you back home in the midwest reading this I do believe in god and I do have my own personal relationship with him that is totally my own thing.

Now that I've gotten that little precursor out of the way I can really get into the meat and potatoes of this whole thing.  It's funny but on a the day that I went to the movie and saw what for me was just such a moving movie, The Butler, I will not be using this entry to talk about it.  No I will save that for another day.  Today I am going to talk about something different.  Something that a great friend of mine has said a few times since I've been out here on my quest and the longer I'm out here and the longer that I have to think about it the more that I realize just how true it is.  How true it is that I believe and subscribe to the religion of Movies.

And before any of you say it I know, you have heard this all before.  It seems like every so often I come up with another way to get on this blog and talk about how much I love movies or what writing means to me.  What can I say, you are pretty much just going to have to deal with it.  Because every so often I'm going to get on here and talk about how much it means to me.  I'll spend the rest of my life trying to put into the perfect words what movies and writing mean to me.

So on this Sunday sitting in the movie theaters getting ready to watch The Butler, while the trailers are running for other movies I just felt this relief move through my entire body and I began to tear up.  Which is just what I do.(I know I'm a big giant vagina because I cry a lot.)  And as those tears rolled down my face as I was watching the Catching Fire trailer it all became clear to me and all I could think at this exact moment is that Cooper is totally and completely right.

When I left for LA my mom made sure to get me a new study bible to take with me, fearing that my soul is becoming more and more lost I'm sure.  And I have read this bible a few days each week and I do feel as though it has been the best thing for me.  And I do feel a closeness to that I haven't felt in quite some time I must say. 

And what I'm going to say I don't mean to offend anybody and by no means am I worshiping false idols or anything like that but that experience that so many people go to church a feel, I get that from being inside a movie theater.  It's the place I go to pray, or the place I go to let the weight of the week go.  And I really do believe in a lot of ways that is why I tend to get a tad bit emotional when I'm in a movie theater.  

And I know right about now if you are reading any of this you probably think this guy is completely crazy or how completely immature of him, but really and truly I just don't care.  Because that is exactly how I feel.  And there are very few things in this world that have ever made me feel like that so the things that do I have to hold them close to my heart.  And I say that being in a movie theater is this sort of religious experience for me because when I'm in there watching a movie or waiting to watch I movie I have this feeling deep within myself that there are still some dreams out there for me waiting to come true.  And I guess by now you out there already know this, I am a very big dreamer.  

When I go into a movie theater it doesn't matter what has happened or is happening in my life.  I get to get lost in a completely different world for a couple of hours.  And I get to watch somebody else's story and how they view the world and I get the chance to imagine that someday there will be a time when people will get to go into a dark room and watch my vision of the world.  

So that's it, that's what I wanted all of you to know, what I felt today that I felt I just couldn't not say.  And on a night like tonight, a thousand miles away from home I'll sleep easy knowing that I believe that there is still some magic left out there in the world.

The Way, Way Back

In honor of the up and coming season I will write this post in the most beautiful of colors.  that is Crimson of course.  Anyways boys and girls, ladies and sirs.  It is almost 2 in the morning here so for most of you that are going to read this that means it is almost 4 in the morning where you are.  I am for some reason on a whole other level.  I am bumping The Rolling Stones right now, and I really feel like there is no telling where or when this night is going to end.  By the way I want to just go out on a limb and say this right now.  I talked with my good buddy Cooper about this a couple of weekends ago, and I just want to say this right now for all of you to hear it.  The Beatles, well they just don't have a damn thing on the Rolling Stones.  And I say that with no due respect, but The Stones at least for me just kick their asses.  Okay, I said it and now that is out of the way.

I'm writing this post for one reason and one reason only.  I want everybody I know to know about this movie and to see it.  The movie that I am talking about is none other than THE WAY WAY BACK.  I finally after far too long of putting it off I went to the movies today and went and saw it.  And let me just tell you all that this movie is just a treat.  And beyond the fact that it is a treat, it is something special.  The performances in this movie are great, and as far as I'm concerned it is just the perfect summer movie.  Go see this before you see anything else. Before you see Wolverine, before Pacific Rim, before Red 2, and before the Conjuring.  Because this is a movie that should be celebrated as far as I'm concerned.

For starters let me just say... I love Sam Rockwell.  And this isn't just that 7th grade two and a half week crush kind of love that I'm feeling for him.  This is that bonafide after college uproot my whole life to be with that one person kind of love here.  And I've felt like this for quite some time now and this movie just puts him front and center and lets him go and he is just brilliant.  

All the rest of the actors in this movie are in rare top from.  Steve Carrell being at the forefront being cast against type playing a grade A asshole in this movie and doing it beautiful.  Playing a guy the we all know or have known at some point in our lives and even though he seems to be by all purposes a good guy, we hate the cocksucker, because deep down he is just that.  To be honest all the actors in this movie just do a fantastic job in elevating this material that is already great if you ask me, but young Liam James who plays the main character does just a fantastic job embodying that overall awkwardness that everybody feels at some point in there life and more often than not it is right around that age of your early teens.  

Maybe some of you out there that are reading this never felt that way, and to those of you I want to say a big FUCK YOU!!  But for the rest of us there was just this period of being so unsure and feeling so uncool that you literally just hurt.  And that is exactly what James does in this movie.  But the great thing that this movie does is it takes those feeling and it brings them to a head and then you get to watch this character as he slowly breaks out of his shell and blossoms into the great little guy that has always been underneath gaining that self confidence or swag that people need to really be themselves.  And it's this stuff you can't necessarily get yourself, a lot of times at that age it comes from others.  Because once you feel like you are accepted by others you finally begin to accept yourself for who you are.

And really the funny thing about this is that sometimes it takes people longer than others to figure that thing out.  If you go see this movie you will see exactly how James gets his swag.  I would tell you but I don't want to ruin it for you.  It is pretty great though.  I watched this movie and I couldn't help but cry at some of the parts because I've felt that isolation that they show in this movie.  I've felt completely unsure of myself not knowing if others will accept me for who I am.  I just ended up being on of the lucky few that found that thing that I was really good at that allowed other people to see that swag that I had in me.  that thing was BASEBALL.  

I owe so much of who I am to baseball, because without it I know I would have had the confidence to fit in.  I was able to work hard and be good at baseball and people got a chance to see that and they got a chance to see the fun loving soft charming side of me because of that.  And that is what this movie does, it makes you remember that time in your life when you found yourself and other people were able to find you as well.  

I'm telling everyone from the bottom of my heart to go and see this movie, because it really and truly is worth seeing.  This movie is what the movie industry is all about as far as I'm concerned.  I want to make a movie someday that feels as powerful as this one.  So please go out and support this movie because it's damn good.

Luck

So lately I haven't been able to sleep.  I'm talking nightmares every couple of nights, the real deal.  And not those fairytale or scary movie nightmares like Freddy Kruger is chasing me or I'm trapped in a pit with a bunch of dragons.  I'm talking watching people that I love getting shot, or people that I love strangling me or my favorite me and a group of friends in a car that I'm driving and we get T-Boned and the car flips and catches on fire and we are all burning alive and I'm the last one that is still screaming before the car blows up.(I know the last one is particularly sick) So anyway, it's been really crazy because for the last couple of years of so I can't remember having but 1 or 2 nightmares and since I've been out here I've had more than a handful.  Now at first I was really thinking it all must be because of the change of scenery.  I thought I was just missing the good ol' sounds and smells of Oklahoma.  

But then as usual I began to think.  My favorite pastime these days I suppose.  And I started thinking about this sort of Yin and Yang thing that I think happens in life.  Because as I start to push onward with the things I really care about and the things in my life that are really worth pursuing I begin to have these anxieties and these nightmares.  I think that maybe life has this way of balancing things out.  That these nightmares and these anxieties are a reminder to stay focused to keep it all in perspective.  In a weird way I like them.  It sounds really weird but it feels a lot better than that time when there were no dreams for me to remember.

Enough about my wacky ass dreams though.  What I really wanted to talk about was luck.  I was talking to a friend of mine just a few days ago.  He was talking to me about this really good book he is reading about we began to talk about how people become successful and what it really takes.  It was a conversation that I needed to have because it made me think about all these different things.  About who I am, about my writing, about my goals.  For me those are the best conversations, the ones that leaving you with this thirst to want to know more.  

One of the big things that we talked about was luck, or being at the right place at the right time.  And in so many ways that is were I am right now, but for me I've always had this duality with luck and what it means.  Being somebody that devoted most of his life to baseball, you learn exactly what role luck plays in your life and it's a big part of it.  And the best quote that really sums of luck and life really comes from one of my favorite movies Bull Durham. 'Do you know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is? That's 25 hits...25 hits in 500 at bats is 50 points...ok. There's 6 months in a season. That's about 25 weeks, that means if you get just one extra flair a week, just one. A gork, you get a ground ball, you get a ground ball with eyes! You get a dying quail, just one more dying quail a week and you're in Yankee Stadium.'  

Some people out there may not understand this little insert.  Because it can be hard for those that didn't play the game or love it like me and so many others do.  But the thing about it is that in life you for the most part you are always just 50 points away from being exactly where you want to be.  And with the right breaks maybe a couple of hits will make it through and you'll get to .300.  But before that luck comes into play you have to make the preparation to put yourself in the best possible position.

But then there is the opposing argument to that position.  "A real man makes his own luck." -Billy Zane, Titanic.  And being a man and living in the time that I am I have to at least to some point think that this is true.  Who am I kidding I'm sure men for centuries have been dealing with these questions I know that I am no different.  But it does live in my head space and I always think about it.  And of course I have a favorite quote for this as well. "You're unlucky and nothing more than a frame of reference for the lucky Mr. Fisher. You're unlucky, so that I may know that I am not. Unfortunately, the lucky never realised they are lucky until its too late. Take yourself for instance, yesterday you were better off than you are today but it took today for you to realise it. But, today has arrived and it's too late. You see?"  I really don't know as to why I'm even talking about any of this.  I guess I have just been thinking about it for a bit and I think that maybe life is a little bit of both of these things.  You do get luck breaks in life, I really don't think that there is any way around that, but when you get those breaks you have to be ready, you have to be present, you have to be up for the challenge because luck isn't something that is going to last forever.  If you've stuck with me for this long on this post, I'm sorry.  Sometimes I ramble on and on about things that don't really matter to anybody but me.  But maybe this helps you a bit, or maybe it's somewhat entertaining to you and in that case I'm glad I wrote it.

I do have one last favor to ask you all.  For those of you that have come this far maybe you'll go a little bit farther.  This is the interactive part of my blog.  I am currently writing a short about love, and kind of the seasons of it if you will.  There are two seasons that I am struggling with, Winter and Spring.  I need your thoughts on a situation that you have all been a part of that feels like the comfort or old hat of a relationship.  A situation that you've been a part of in a relationship that only someone that has been in a long one knows.  Like the anxiety of sleeping apart.  Or the nervous feeling that something has happened and then they show up like nothings wrong.  Something like that.

Then I need an idea for Spring.  Almost like a first date or a meet cute thing.  Something that reminds you of spring too.  Anyways, I'm done blabbing.  Headed to see The Way Way Back, I'll let you all know how it is.