So I've basically had this one locked and loaded for quite a while now but I just couldn't get myself to write it and for some reason I woke up today and thought to myself this is something that I need to say. So let me tell you from the start that this is probably about to get heavy, so this is your official warning right now to stop reading if you can't handle the personal thoughts of a somewhat mad man. (But seriously I need more people reading this so you should totally read the whole thing.)
So the following is something that I really haven't told very many people, if any really. These could quite be some of the most personal thoughts that you read on this blog. It all started a couple of months ago. I was watching one of my favorite shows, and one of my favorite story arcs on said show. The show is How I Met Your Mother and the story arc is when Marshall's dad dies. There is an episode when they all go to the funeral and they are talking about last words. As in the last words you'll ever hear or talk to someone you love.
This episode always strikes a nerve with me, but mostly that is because I am a bit of a sap. And by sap I mean to say that, I cry a lot. But something really started to stir up in me. Maybe it is because I'm so many miles away from home or maybe it is because I am finally doing something in my life that I feel matters but something that I have sort of hid down deep came up in me and I began to cry uncontrollably. I'm talking little boy in his room that was just told he couldn't go to the arcade crying uncontrollably.
The crazy thing is I really didn't know why. I mean I had seen this episode a number of times and while it always makes me cry a bit, it is nothing like this. I had to really examine my feelings and when I stopped and really started to think about everything. And the truth is that every time, every single time I watch this episode or this story arc it makes me think of my grandfather.
Now the thing about my grandfather you have to realize is, that he is the single greatest person I've ever met in my life. I know that sounds a little bias but I assure you that this is not the case. Ask anybody who knew him or ever met him and I'll guarantee you they will say the same. A couple of years ago my mom told me a story about me and him. How my grandfather who was always suppose to be on some special kind of diet would always get in trouble with my grandmother because he always had a secret stash of Oreos or Peanut M&Ms for me and him, and when he would get caught he would always explain that he bought them because of how much I liked them. I don't remember any of this of course because I was just a little kid and I just don't have the best of memories when it comes to anything really, but the funny thing about it all is that Oreos and Peanut M&Ms are pretty much my two favorite sweet treats to this day.
But that is not why I'm writing this. Not to tell you a hokey story about me and my grandfather (which is pretty much the cutest thing ever if you ask me). No the real reason I'm writing this is because there is a story that I don't think to many people know and I wanted to tell it to emphasize the over all importance of last words.
So at a very weird and emotionally charged time in my life. The end of what I thought would be this great baseball career, my struggle with college, and the overall feeling of uncertainty in my life. Right at this very point my grandfather died. Now my grandfather was a spectacular man and he lived the best and fullest life that any man can live. He served in the military, he raised a family, and he was married to the love of his life for over 60 years if I'm not mistaken. He was a man that truly left this earth a better place than it was before he got here, which in my opinion is the single greatest thing any person can do on this earth. And when he was gone I remember being very sad, and I cried a lot when I found out.
Now the crazy thing about it all is at least for me it was to be expected. I mean my grandfather had already had multiple heart surgeries and almost exactly a month before he passed away my grandmother had passed. I was sad because I couldn't remember the last conversation that me and him had. I've thought about it so much since he's passed driving myself crazy over the fact, and to tell you the truth I've hated myself for quite sometime because of it. Now I know that it wasn't a fight or anything because that was never what my grandfather and my relationship was about. Our relationship was about him talking to me telling me this fantastic stories or teaching me things about life without really trying to teach me. So I'm sure at the end of our last conversation I hugged him and told him I loved him and he told me he loved me like he always did, but I just couldn't remember it.
And the funny thing is that right before he died I had plan to go into the city and talk to him. My faith had been challenge for sometime at that moment in my life, but I had this need to get back what I had lost and I knew that he was the person to do it. I knew that he would have or know the things to say to get me to where I needed to go. And for whatever god awful and stupid ass reason I didn't make time to go see him. I was too busy doing whatever dumb fucking thing I'm sure I always did to drive into the city and talk to my grandfather about my faith. And then it was too late and I never will get that chance. There are a million things in life to regret, things left unsaid, chances you didn't take, opportunities that you missed out on. But let me just tell you out of all the things that have happened to me in life, that is the thing that I regret the most. And it has taken me some time to get past the regret of it all.
I know that my grandfather was proud of me and that he loved me. And I know that he is looking down on me right now with all the patience in the world that only he has or had. So that really not the point. The point is that last words matter, they just do. And it matters that to me at least that I can't remember the last words I said to my grandfather or that he said to me. And it really kind of sucks because I have so many wonderful memories of the two of us, even the memories that I can't really remember. So if any of you are out there still reading this and have listened to me go on and on let me just say again that last words are important. And really and truly you don't know when it'll be the last time you talk to someone. Because things in life change in an instant. So my advice to you is to always tell the ones that are close to you that you love them, even when you are mad at them, even when you can't stand them. Because we just never truly know when the words we say will be our last.
For my grandfather: Miss you ever day, and I hope I'm just like you when I eventually grow up.
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