The Me I Am, and The Me I Wanted to Be

Let me preface this whole thought, or statement that you are about to read by saying this plan and simple.  I know that I have lived and am living a charmed life.  My parents have always bent over backwards two times to make sure I had everything that I ever needed.  And even though I am the world biggest nerd and klutz and just awkward person in general most of the time I was blessed with this ability to find my groove and I have always been able to find and keep amazing friends.

So know that I have thrown that all out there I feel that it is safe to say that being me has not come without consequences, and sometimes all I can say is that it just downright sucks.  And really yesterday seemed to be the culmination of a life spent being ME.  

I don't want this to be a long story so really I'm going to try to only hit the highlights, but lets face it once I get going I can be a tad long winded.  So yesterday I woke up on the right side of the bed.  The air smelt sweeter, I felt totally refreshed, and I started the morning off with a great movie by the name of LOOPER. (If you haven't seen this movie, shame on you, and go see as soon as possible) Then I get a phone call from a friend of mine Cooper Hagedorn and the rest as they say is history.  And by HIStory I mean MYstory that you are about to here right now.

So Cooper has a friend that is shooting a rap video and he needs some PA help for the day, and I thought it would be a great opportunity to meet some people and to just stay busy and keep myself motivated.  So I get to set out in Santa Monica and everything is great.  All the people on set are awesome and I just love it.  This is the world that I love.  I love being on a set, I love helping to create something that is special.  Even if it's not special to me, I know that it's special to somebody and I get to be a part of it.

So the hours a rolling by and everything is going great. We are getting the set ready to shoot, and we even set up for the shots we were going to do later that night.  We Blacked out all the windows in the house so that we could start with some early shots, and everything was going to plan except for one thing.  A piece of the paper that we had used o place out the kitchen window was falling down and basically I was the only one tall enough to put it back up.

And this is when I basically "Brundoned" the situation as Cory Williamson would say. (Brundon is the alternate version of myself that is basically super lame, and pretty dorky, according to Cory) Sorry for all the filler.  So I go outside and attempt to put the paper back up.  Now there is a wooden stool out there for me to stand on, but to be honest I'm not to comfortable with it because it seems to be a little unsteady.  So I go around the house looking for something better to stand on, but low and behold I cannot find a thing. 

So of course against my better judgement I begin to test out the stool.  And after extensive and scientific tests for about a minute and a half I made an assessment that it was safe to climb the stool and put the paper back up.  There are mistakes that you make in life and then there are mistakes.  I would say that this was the former and the latter.

Now I'm up on the stool trying to keep my balance and trying to put the paper up at the same time.  And as I reach to put it up, and as I just about had it I hear a subtle cracking.  Yes it was the stool breaking right underneath me.  So I of course do what any person in my situation would do, I instantly panic and decided to jump from he stool.  But as I am what I would call jumping backwards my foot gets caught sending me tumbling down somewhat and as I try to catch myself I hear my shorts tearing right at the crouch.  

In my head I all I can think is of course this would happen to me, and that thought was instantly erased by the feeling of me hitting the ground.  And as I lay there dirty, defeated, and shorts split right up the crotch all I could think was that I...am...not...Cary Grant.  Now that is not really what I was thinking but I think you get the point, and really I'll speak more on that in a second.

I pick myself up, dust myself off, and look down and my shorts to check the damage.  And they are really bad.  Like really, really bad.  And just then a girl that is working on production comes outside to see me hunched over holding my crotch and she asks me what is wrong.  I do my best to play it off but I eventually give in and tell her I have split my pants up the crotch.  And she's great about it telling me we can us gaffer tape and fix it right up.  And I think to myself well maybe this will work out after all.

Now upon her suggestion I go into the bathroom and take off my shorts and give them to here to try and patch up.  And as I stand in a perfect strangers bathroom that I had just met in my underwear I looked into the mirror and thought to myself... I...am...not...Sidney Poitier.  She does the best with what she has and I'm back to work with shorts that have been taped up and I'm doing my best to make a joke out of the whole situation with people that I had just met.  And to be honest I'm doing a great job at it because lets face it this is not the first time something like this has happened to me.

Everything is fine now and I'm trying my best to just push through it and be about the work and not about the fact that my pants just split open and the tape job that was just performed is not holding up.  And it is at this point that I find myself holding my crouch, but I'm doing the work and I am determined to push through it.  It is at this very moment, that the director of the video and the girl that helped with the tape just come outside with a worried look on their faces and tell me I should probably go home and get a change of shorts.

And this is the moment when the self deprecating doubt sets in.  And I think these poor people that I met must be freaked out by the guy that his been flashing them for about an hour.  At this point I don't want to drive home to get shorts because home is about an hour away, so I decided to find a target in an area that I don't know at about 4:45.  What a mistake.  So after about 25 minutes of being flustered in traffic trying to find a place to by shorts I just say fuck it, I'll go home and grab a pair.

Now I'm on the 405 freeway at about 5:15 trying to make it home in standstill traffic.  So let the meltdown begin.  And that is exactly what I did, I had a complete meltdown on the 405 and I'm sure that some people driving home after a hard days work got quite a show from me.  So an hour and a half later I make it back to my place and I just decide I am done with this day.

My buddy Cooper talks me into going out for a drink and I do and it was such a good time, but while I was out with him I talked to him about this very concept that I shall now talk to all of you about.  I know exactly the me that I am.  I've always been that me for my entire life and I have learn to make it a strength rather than a weakness.  But why can't sometimes or really just for once I be the me that I always wanted to be.  Why can't I be the Cary Grant, Sidney Poitier, Humphrey Bogart, or the Han Solo.   Why can't I just be the cool and classic and debonair person for once.  

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being me.  It builds character being the person the falls out of chairs at a cookout or being the guy that falls off the stool and splits his pants up the crouch, but you know sometimes I'd just like to be that other guy.  Is that really too much to ask for.  So yesterday was a bad day, but that's okay because the bad ones make you more thankful for the good ones.  I hope you all enjoyed it, just another day in the life of Brandon Ponder.

Enjoy this clip, if you haven't already.