My First Big Break

I've been sitting here for the past couple of days really trying to take in what has happened to me.  It's one of those things that you really can't believe that it's happening when it's actually happening and now that it's over or that I'm a few days removed from the situation it feels more like a dream than anything else.  

When I started this quest lets say a little more than two years ago.  Because weather anybody knew it or not I had secretly set in motion events that would lead me to where I am today.  So two years ago when I made this deal with myself that I was going to steadily save up and really grow a pair of balls so that I could leave Oklahoma and journey across country to Los Angeles to pursue my dreams of getting into this business they call show I didn't realize that I would be here writing about this.  

Because the thing is like most things that I get in my head I have always been the classic creature of no follow throw.  I always build things up in my head of the worst possible outcome and just think that this is the way it is and always will be.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is that two years ago when I set out for all of this deep down somewhere I just felt that it never really was going to happen.  

So being able to write this entry right here and right now gives me so much joy and makes me realize that all of those things that you want.  Those things out there that you really want and really go after are right there for the taking.  And sure there will be ups and downs, there will be wins and losses, but if you can just dig down and really just let your balls hang out you really never now what can happen to you or for you.

Three days ago I think it is safe to say that I got a phone call that has forever changed my life.  And the thing about that sentence is this.  Most people when their lives change have no idea that it's about to happen or even that it did happen until the dust settles and they are able to look back on things.  But for me after that phone call I knew that things would never be the same for me.  I got my second break since I've been out here(the first being me landing the place I'm staying)I landed and internship working on a movie.  

Now for someone who talks about movies as much as I do, and watches as many movies as I do, and fancies himself a writer like I do there really are no words that I can even say to begin to describe it all.  Up until this point the best part of being out here has been being able to go see movies with one of my best friends again and sit around for hours talking about movies and the movie industry and talking shit to each other about our tastes in movies.  To be able to sit and really talk about movies and how we would make them and have this since of you know what we will make a movie together someday and it's gonna be special in all the ways that movies should be.

I'm sorry I just went on a little mini rant there and almost got completely off course.  Because working on this movie set and getting my own walkie talkie and learning the lingo and hearing all of these voices over the walkies sending people here and there giving directions to do this and that has been so exhilarating.  I mean when you hear people shouting, "PICTURES UP!"  "AND CUT, GOING AGAIN ON 1!"  "ROLLING, AND QUIET ON THE SET!"  I almost felt as if I was in a dream.  I can't believe this is all happening to me.  I feel like I'm apart of it all now.  like there was this piece of me that was missing or empty perhaps and I found it.  

No matter what happens from here on out I know that I've been apart of this business, and I know it wasn't the biggest or most important part of it but I was there.  I stood on a set and I took people breakfast orders, and I set up tents and watched trailers.  I had a cup of coffee with a couple of actors.(even though I hate coffee) I worked a 13 hour day on set and came home exhausted from being on my feet for so many hours, but dammit if I didn't sleep like a baby that night.

I am officially apart of this traveling circus that goes out there and creates movies for people to enjoy or not enjoy.  And I know that all days won't be like this and that being out here for just the short amount of time that I have been I know that it's hard, but getting a victory like the one I did on Saturday makes that two years of stress and anxiety of this decision seem totally worth it.  I will remember everything about that day. The smell, the place, the nervousness I felt, the complete joy and accomplishment you get from doing something you love.  I haven't felt the way I do and did that day in a long time, and let me just tell you all that I plan on feeling that way many more days to come.  So stay tuned, this is the beginning.

BEFORE MIDNIGHT AND SUCH

I wise man(well not really a man) once said, "Do or do not; there is no try."  And let me tell you that I 100% agree with this Jedi.  Even if he is a fictional character in a galaxy far far away.  I feel that he is speaking directly to me, and to so many people out there like me.  The time for trying is over.  There is only the doing.  So at this point in my life I am doing my best to be a writer.  And this is very much a part of this.  I promised myself that I would start writing something, anything down everyday.  Weather it's this blog which I have grown quite found of over the past 6 months or so, or it's working on an idea for a screenplay that I have just recently developed.  Or just writing in my journal the days events, or if I may be so bold working on my stand-up routine that people keep telling me I should do.  Either way it goes, as a writer my job is to write and I think that is what I am going to work on.

So with all that said now I will get to my entry for the day.  It's crazy because I write this blog and I post it here and on Facebook and the people that are going to read it for the most part live in a different time zone so even though it is just 11pm here I know that it is 1am there and by the time I am done writing this all that will read it will be well into there REM sleep.  Maybe I should work on writing this thing earlier in the day, or hell maybe I'll just wait until tomorrow morning to post this so that all of you Okies will get the chance to enjoy this with your morning coffee.  

It's been about a week and a half since I have seen it and I think there has been the proper amount of time for me to finally discuss my favorite movie that I have seen this year.  The movie that I am talking about is BEFORE MIDNIGHT!  Now for those of you that really love movies, that really enjoy the majestic nature of them and that love being wrapped up into the world of a story let me say that I encourage you all not only to see this movie, but to watch the first two movies in this wonderful trilogy.  BEFORE SUNRISE being the first movie and BEFORE SUNSET being the second.

Now what I am about to say I do not say lightly(and since what I say matters so much to all of you) this group of movies is my second favorite trilogy of all time.  And if you could believe it, it comes in a close, close second to the original Star Wars Trilogy.  Me being the truly romantic soul that I am can only say that this trilogy of movies is so utterly romantic and sweet and even heartbreaking at times that I would be hard press to find any movies about love quite as good as these three.

I really should talk about the third movie because that is what I really set out to do.  It seems to be the final chapter of a love story that started maybe 15 or 20 years ago.  And as you watch these two characters that you have seen on this journey for all these years sort of being settled in this life that they have made for each other it feels very true to each of the characters, but also very true to the feelings that people get when they have been in a relationship for such a long time.  

The struggles and joys that they have in this movie seem to be very much so the struggles that most couples have in real life, and if you have watched these characters they seem to be the struggles that these two characters would really have.  The people in this movie and behind this movie have done such a brilliant job creating these characters and this world that they exist in to the point that you feel what they feel on such a basic level that it pains you to see them struggle or fight.  But it also makes you smile because you remember or you know exactly what it's like to be in such a fight.

There is no other way to describe this movie except to say that upon watching it I almost feel like Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy, and Ethan Hawke have created a movie that is just for me. that tugs on all of my heart strings and makes me even more interested ever movie to see the journey that these two strangers have been on and will go on.  

The sad thing is that there just really aren't enough movies made  like this anymore, and by that I mean there aren't enough movies made like this for big audiences.  I mean sure the nuts and freaks that love movies probably know about these movies, but so many people out there would probably rather watch Dear John or The Vow (Sorry Channing Tatum) that to watch these movies and yes offense to both those movies because they just simply aren't as good.  

So I guess my plea to any of you who are still with me and still read this little blog to go out and watch these movies.  Maybe you need a good date movie to watch with your girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife.  Maybe you just want to feel that wondrous feeling you get when you see people falling in love.  Or maybe you're a freak like me and just love that feeling of being romantic.  Let me tell you these are the movies for you.  I will always fight for more people to see these movies and I will never stop force feeding them to anybody that will listen to me.  So thank you again for reading this, those of you that still do.



I wanted to give you all the trailers for each movie just to wet your whistle.  BEFORE SUNRISE

BEFORE SUNSET

And BEFORE MIDNIGHT

Pet Peeves!!!!

Okay at the risk of sounding like a broken record I really am going to try and make this short and sweet.  Because I really don't have that much to say tonight.  What I want to talk about is more of just a thought that has been tumbling around in my head all the live long day.  That thing is something that really has me pissed off and I don't want to be pissed off, so I'm going to release this tension not unlike me releasing a fart that I have been holding because I was on a date.  

This is a major pet peeve of mine that it seems like people always say to me.  So I'm going to need this to stop immediately, and by immediately I mean right after I finish writing this post.  I am so damn sick of people in conversation with me telling me that I would really like whatever person or persons that they are talking about.  As in, "But seriously Brandon you would really like such and such they are a really cool person."  I don't know what the hell I'm suppose to say to that.  Because I might in fact hate whatever person that you are talking about.  I know that I am a easy going person that pretty much gets along with everybody but for the love of god don't tell me how much I would like or love somebody.  

Because the said truth is that whenever somebody says, "Really you would really like or really love such and such."  It is normally followed by or right after something that makes said person look or seem like fucking Adolf Hitler.  And then all I feel is offended that somebody would say that I would really like this person.  Do I look like the type of person that likes Nazis?  Do I seem like the type of person that can sympathize with racist ass people?  I mean apparently I do, because I normal hear that statement of how much I would like somebody after I hear about just how much of a prick that said person is.

Case in point.  "It's a shame that these days you have to count the number of black people that live on your street."  followed by, "but know seriously Brandon this is a good person and I think you would really like them if you knew them."  And really all that I can say to that is I must look like a complete asshole.  Because I would have to be a complete asshole to be an African American man and think that the person that said such a thing is cool, or a good person.  Sure I probably wouldn't care if the person that said this was 60 years old because lets face it old people are just like that.  But somebody in my age group that says something like this is not a good person at all.  Because at their core, they feel that they are better than me.

I mean fuck how could somebody not get that.  Why would somebody tell me that another person said that, and follow that up with but they really are a good person.  Maybe I'm just overreacting, I know I probably am, but dammit people do not ever ever ever ever tell me that I would really like or love some person, because that means you are probably just going to drop some kind of shitty bomb on me that I don't want to here.  Such as, "It's probably better that Trayvon is dead because of the burden he would have eventually put on the system."  I don't think these people are cool or that there is anything that is redeeming about them.  I actually think that they are racist fucking assholes.  Sorry this was much longer than I intended.  

just something to wash away the negativity of this post.  Enjoy this, I respect myself a little bit less for doing this.

The Cloud Over My Great Day

Hello there ladies and sirs, it's me your very favorite most insightful blogger, Ponder.  And I think that tonight I'm going to take a break from being awesome and drop a little knowledge on all of you common folk out there. (Obviously I'm just kidding, except for all of you common folk out there that will be reading this.) Today was a really good day for me.  Today was one of the first days since I've been out here in LA that I have felt fully assimilated to this place.  I took the metro up to universal city and watch Pacific Rim with my life partner one Cooper(The Machine)Hagedorn.  

And as I walked back to the metro tonight to get back to my place, I couldn't help but feel like this city, and myself are so alive right now.  There was just this feeling of me beating the world that just felt great.  I long for days and nights like these.  If only I could string together a few more thousand days like today I'll be just fine.  

I got to spend the latter half of my day, after watching Pacific Rim talking to one of my best friends about what it is or what it's going to take to make a summer blockbuster, and really the overall state of movies in general.  And in that moment when we were both going back and forth at each other expressing our ideas and getting under each others skin about what we think and feel is right, and couldn't help but think this is what I've been missing.  I've missed these talks that I used to frequently have with Cooper and the push back that I always get from him because even though we both love movies with such a great passion our tastes seem to always be a little bit different from each other.

For the first time in a really long time I felt like it was all happening.  Like this is the beginning of something truly great. I'm in the place that I need to be with the people that I need to be with.  I don't know what the future may hold but in a perfect world I will get to make movies, or be directly involved in the process of making movies, and I will be able to do so with my best friend, and today felt like the beginning of that process.  After all big things have small beginnings.  

And even though all of this great stuff was happening today, there was still a bit of a cloud over my day today, or tonight I guess I should say.  It happened two fold.  The first for those of you who aren't on the planet earth there was the Trayvon Martin Verdict.  Now I'm really not going to get into all of it because I know it has been such a device thing anyway.  I just know that since I heard about it, it has been weighing heavily on my mind.  I am so sad for that family because no matter what anybody says about not know the facts or there are only two people that really knows what happen, etc, etc, etc.  What I do know is this... There is a 17 year old kid that is dead.  And that kid was unarmed, and there is a man the gunned him down, and today he will walk free.  And at least for me it's hard to say there is justice in this world when something like that can happen.  

I don't presume to know everything that happened, but I will say this like a said it earlier today.  It is just a sad commentary on a society that is obsessed with guns.  I mean in Oklahoma there is a open carry law where people can just walk around with a gun on there hip like it's the goddamn wild wild west.  It's stupid, and I don't care about the backlash that I'll get for saying that.  It is fucking retarded.  And I am in no way saying take away everybody's guns and we will be so much safer.  I realize that we all have a right to bare arms, but when is enough enough?  That is all that I have to say.  

And also I really am getting sick and tired of people saying don't make this a race thing.  It's not about race, it's not about race, racism doesn't exist anymore.  It are statements like these that really make me think that people are just being naive.   And for the most part the people saying these things are those that have never had to deal with it in the first place.  Because the truth of the matter is that African American Men in this country live shorter lives, on average get paid less, and are more likely to end up in prison than any other sub group in this country.  Those are the facts and they are hard to ignore. Should people not be mad that a 17 year old unarmed black male was gunned down in the streets by somebody that wasn't a law enforcement officer?  Should people not be upset that this man was allowed to go free?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions.  I just know that after such a great day I'm going to go to bed with a little bit of a heavy heart tonight and for me that kind of sucks.  There was also something else that brought a cloud over my day that probably hurt a whole hell of a lot more, but that my friends is for another day entirely.  I think I'm done now, so as my good friend Cory Williamson always says now.  I'll see you all again, this side or the other.

Just thought everyone could use a little bad ass in their lives, and that is exactly what this trailer is.

Versions of Ourselves

Well, well, well, it's been a little bit hasn't it.  You know when I started this whole thing I was planning on writing on this thing everyday.  I was going to write and so many people were going to read this thing and I would get some kind of validation that I needed because I have this huge insecurity about writing. That time, the way I felt about everything feels like a different life ago.  It's funny, since I've moved out here to LA I've had a lot of time to think about a lot of different things. Things like where I'm going and where I've been.  It's a funny thing thinking about all the places you've been and the possible places that you might go.

I went to the Pacific Ocean yesterday.  That sentence in and of it self is enough for me.  I can't even begin to tell you the magnitude of that moment.  Just being there and looking out over the horizon into an infinite body of water I can't even begin to describe the feeling I had.  Just being there and realizing just how small that I am.  I mean god the push and the pull and the power of this ocean is incredible, and I was out there in the ocean getting tossed about and I realized that all my so called problems and worries didn't matter that much.  I could have been sucked under and gone forever and what would it really matter.  I'm just a speck, just a thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper.  There are so many beautiful and wondrous things out there that everyone takes for granted.  There are so many things out there that we all take for granted.  

I'm sorry, I am officially off topic.  I'm so busy talking about the mighty Pacific that I lost my whole train of thought about what I really wanted to talk about.  Which I guess is change.  So now that I really have you all hooked, I'm not gonna throw you back just yet. 

So, since I've been out here in LA I've had so much time to wonder around this city and think since I and incredibly and hopelessly unemployed.  So with all the thinking that I've been doing I've had time to think about change.  The change that I'm thinking about of course is within myself.  I mean I look back to 3 or 4 years ago and I have realized just how different a person I was.  It's hard to even think about it but I am such a different person.  I thought I had a real handle on things back then but now looking back on it all I realize I just didn't.

I don't know why I'm even saying all these things except for the fact that I've just now realized that there are so many things out there that become different versions of themselves.  I never thought much about it but even when I was in college there was a bar that we all use to go to and it changed names and ownership like three different times.  And every time it changed we would all go back only there was always something about it that was a little different.  Something that was missing.  It was like and evil version of itself.  I think now it's a salad place or a health food store, which is really disappointing. 

So after thinking about this for quite sometime I thought to myself, "Am I nothing more than another version of myself?"  I know for a fact that I am.  It's a weird feeling let me tell you but I think it's good.  Because the me from 3 or 4 years ago, that guy was something else.  

I know that years from know I'm going to look back on those 3 or 4 years and think what in the world was I doing.  That was not the Brandon that I wanted to be.  I think those might end up being the lost years.  3 or 4 years ago I was in love with a girl.  And she wasn't just any girl, at the time she was the girl.  And I thought that if I did just enough, if I changed the type of person that I was and became more of the type of person that she wanted me to be then it would be everything that I wanted it to be.  I thought that maybe, just maybe if I was less of myself and more of what everybody else thought that a responsible adult was then she'd love me like I loved her.  But the thing about that is that if you change who you are to try and please someone else, chances are that thing change that you undergo will end up being the thing turns them off from you.  

It's weird for me the think about all the different versions of myself there have been or that there will ever be.  I think now more than ever we are living in an ever changing world so chances  our by the time I'm dad and in an ash vile around my close friends' and families' neck (now that's a story for another time completely) I will have been 5 or 10 different versions of myself. 

The thing that really gets me when I think about all the different versions of myself that I'm going to end up being is that when I really stop and think about things I always wonder if the version of myself that I am right now, if my grandfather would be proud of that person.  I know it sounds crazy, but basically my grandfather was the greatest guy that I've ever known so if the version of myself that I am at this exact moment, if that guy isn't a guy that he would be proud of, then I have to change my situation.

And that guy from 3 or 4 years ago, I'm pretty sure that he would not have been too proud of him.  This whole thing right here has not been my best.  But I'm going to post it anyway.  I hope when you read it you don't think to bad of me, I've have written better and I will write better.  Thank you.

Questing in LA

Well it's been a few days since I've been able to get on here and write something down, so I decided that I couldn't let another day go by without writing something down about this Quest that I'm on.  I know that it may all seem quite stupid or that I'm not taking things very seriously, but the truth of the matter is that it is actually quite the opposite.

This Quest for me halfway across the country has been the biggest endeavor of my young life.  Only the real thing is that I don't really feel quite young at the moment.  I feel more like an old soul really at the end of it all when really I am at the beginning.  My spiritual Quest to the West has been quite cleansing for me in one way and very anxiety ridden in another way.  

I wake up every morning in sunny California were the weather is always beautiful and I can't help but feel at peace.  But then I look around at my surroundings as I am getting up on the couch of one of my best friends and I can't help but be a little paralyzed with fear.  It's a crazy feeling taking this leap like I have.  I don't really know what all is out there for me, expect for everything. And I guess that in and of itself can be somewhat of a frightening thing.  All the possibilities right out here for me I just have to get a move on.

The crazy thing is that I'm just about an hour away from the beach right now, and I still haven't been yet.  I know I will go soon, but at times for me it's hard to want to see or feel the joy of certain things in life, because I know and feel and am so aware of the weight of life itself.  I have to be mindful of this situation and make sure that I don't miss out of all the beautiful things that this Quest has to offer me. Because there are so many things about this place that is just flat out beautiful.

There are also aspect of this thing that is greatly terrifying.  I don't think I've ever been in a city quite like this one.  It feels as though I am on a different planet sometimes being out here.  I mean I've been to big cities before, New York and Chicago, but the truth of the matter is that they are nothing like this one.  Sure it is a big city and it has that feel of all the hustle and bustle, but this is also not a vertical city and things around here are very spread out.  And the people are just so chill and laid back.  I have a long way to go to really get the hang of this thing, but I know that I will be able to.

It seems to me that life has it's own funny and unique way of working things out and somehow despite all odds and me resisting this for so long I have found myself just in the place that I always find myself dreaming and talking about.  Trying to pursue something that I am always talking about but in a lot of ways was just to afraid to really pursue it.  

I know that life will carry on from here and that this moment in time as compared to all it's other moments really isn't that big of a deal.  I have friends that are entering the second phases of their lives and some are becoming parents and some of us are just now finding ourselves.  I know that ten years from now this blogs and these writings that I'm doing now may just be a joke or a funny story that I tell at a dinner party, but right now this life and these words that I'm writing are the only things that I have to hang on to.  They matter so much to me and if you are reading or have read any of the silly things that I have written in the past years I hope that they might matter to you.

Letter to my Best Friend

Now I know that some of you out there may think you have some idea of who this letter is to.  And I could go down the list of people that are in the best friend category of my life which there are a few and most of you out there probably still couldn't guess who I am writing this letter to.  But tonight 875 miles away from home in a hotel room that overlooks a mountain in Flagstaff, Arizona I want to write this thank you letter to some who without this trip "Quest with Chris Ponder" would not be possible.  That person of course is my sister Tiffany Jackson-Ponder.

That's right folks my sister is one of the black women with a hyphenated last name.  And man does she pull it off.  This is a letter to you sis, thanks for everything.

Dearest Tiffany,

   I guess the best way to start this off is just to say, thank you for being you, because without you I wouldn't be me.  Thank you for all the torture you put me through the beginning part of my life.  Chasing me around with kitchen knives scaring the shit out of me, hitting me in the head with all my hot wheels I left laying out on the floor and especially wrestling me down when I still wasn't strong enough to take you and slowly spitting loogies on me. And just genuinely not liking me when I thought it was all just a game. 

   Thank you for baring the burden of our parents divorce because I was that goofy kid that played star wars over and over in his head and to be completely honest I really had no idea what was going on other than the fact that Dad is going to live with Grandmother and Grandfather now. Thank you for letting me tag along on your dates and just be the annoying little brother that had to have seemed to be right out of an early 90's family sitcom.

   Thank you so much for getting older and actually starting to like me around the time I was going through my super awkward teenage phase.  And always trying to help me pick out close that were cool and in fashion because god only knows where I would be had I made all of those decisions myself.

   Thank you for supporting me and being on of my biggest cheerleaders in my flash in the pan baseball career and dragging mom along with you to some of my games because you knew how much it meant to me even if I never said anything about it.

   Thank you for having the intelligence, drive and work ethic to go after your dreams and just be that positive influence for me to look up to always.  And for letting me run up such a large amount of debt on your credit cards for no reason other than the fact that you are my big sister and I am your little brother. And thank you for letting me move out with you to Virginia and be your roommate for six months and showing me that the world is so much bigger than I could even imagine and that with hard work and determination everything you want is out there for the taking.

   Thank you for showing me just exactly how to sneak into a movie, and how to know take shit from anyone.  How to know what you want and go out and get it.  And the value of customer service.  Thank you for fighting with me and never taking my sarcasm to heart and for training me to remember at least one person's birthday.  thank you for everything you have done for me and all the stuff I know you will do.  I love you so much sister and I can't wait to make you proud.

Respectfully, 
Brandon "Bubba" Ponder