I've been thinking a lot about people lately. My friends and family back home. The friends that I've made out here on this journey. The people that I continue to meet in this crazy industry. And the people that are gone to me.
The latter is what I really and truly want to write about tonight, or I guess today by the time you all read this, if any of you do read this. It has just recently accorded to me that the longer I go on living, the more time passes since the death of some of my loved ones, and the further away from them I seem to be.
I keep thinking to myself how do I hold on for a little longer, how can I keep them around for just a bit longer. It makes me very sad sometimes because these people that seem to be slipping away from my I loved very much. I know it sound corny or whatever but I wanted to write this post for them. I wanted it to be let out in the world so that there memories won't just live on through me but through the people that read this.
I think I read somewhere that you aren't truly dead and gone until the last person that knows or knew you is dead. That is an interesting thought that always sticks with me. I know that I will surely die someday, there is no doubt about that, but it would be nice if maybe just maybe I live on through the kind words of others and others others that knew me.
I want to tell just a few tidbits of certain people that are gone from me. Some of the finest women that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I don't know why tonight was the night that this all came up, but I'm happy that I'm writing this and that you out there are reading this.
You see it's easy for me to picture all those around me that I love that are still breathing and functioning in the world. I can talk about my friend Cody's isms and how being a coach is just perfect, I love listening to him talk about his interactions with his kids so much I wish I could get a job doing that all day. Or my friend Jamie, who can be the most terrifying person in the world when she is angry. To the point were whenever it happens I immediately slick off into the darkness. But that terrifying angry she gets is like the greatest thing ever because if you are one of her people then that scorched earth anger that she unloads on whoever wronged you feels so damn good.
I could go on and on for pages at a time but that's not what this is for, this is for those that are on my mind but I am unable to see anymore. Like my grandmother. Christina Ponder was without a doubt the meanest woman I've ever known. The funny thing is she was the kind of mean I didn't even know, because she just loved me so very much. Now that I'm an adult I look back and just think wow, you did not want to make my grandmother mad. But then when I think of her I just see her smiling so big at me and telling me to come over and give her a kiss. It was just the best.
The next woman I want to talk about it my Aunt Ann Tipton. I've heard this saying before, "that life is for the living." Let me tell you all that life was for Ann Tipton, because damn did she know how to live. I miss arguing with her. I was from the youngest generation in my family that thought they were so very smart and got away with more than anyone else. So I would argue with her about things and I know my sister and even my mother where kind of shock by how bold I was talking to my aunt like I was an adult or something. But the thing is she would let me. She let me be bold with her, and then she would knock my argument down like it was nothing and make me feel like the kid that I was. She loved having the family together. She's the reason I love and value my close family and friends.
Lastly I want to talk about my Aunt Margaret Lee. My Aunt Margaret loved me, and when I say that I mean she loved me, I was her favorite nephew. That might sound braggy but it's true. Even know as I write this I can't help but have a big smile on my face. There is something about being somebody's favorite, you'll always have a connection to them. She use to always tell me this story that makes me feel especially connected to her. When my mom was pregnant with me everybody thought I was a girl, or rather they wanted me to be a girl. But not my Aunt Margaret, she knew I was going to be a boy. I will always miss staying the night at her place, and waking up to breakfast, and her always teasing me about how I like "hard" eggs. She made her scrambled eggs runnier than I liked so she always made a special batch for me.
I know that these people will never be gone entirely because they will always be in my heart, but sometimes I start to feel them a little less and I just really hate that. I hate to think that there might be a time that I don't feel them at all. I just hope that by putting this out there in the world they will never be dead, not to this world.
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