Personal

So, by the time most of you read this it will be mid morning, but right now while the juices are flowing in my head and I'm ready to put pen to pad so to speak it is almost 2am.  I have just recently come from my good friend Cooper's apartment and I am just in the mood to write.  It's funny how a lot of the time that seems to coincide with me writing.  I always feel so pumped up when I leave from his place, because most of the time we enter into so sort of creative discussion and tonight was no different.  

Anyway I was down in the subway coming home, and I happen to talk to a beautiful woman.  Well she asked me if there was another train coming and one thing led to another and we were in a conversation about acting and writing and movies.  For me it was just one of those truly great and romantic moments in time.  For here I'm sure it was just the over talkative black guy in the subway trying to be charming.

Either way it goes when I got on the train I opened up my little writing journal that I keep on me just in case of situations like this and I read a passage that I had written just a few weeks ago.  You see I had just watched the movie On The Road, which is based off of one of my favorite books by Jack Kerouac.  While I was watching the movie I just thought about this romantic type of love that just burns you up inside and that most of the time ends very badly but it leaves you with all of this stuff that you never can quite get rid of.  And while I was thinking out that I wrote this.

Remaining thoughts of a Love Affair

by Brandon Ponder

You haunt my dreams, and relish in my nightmares.  I thought I had you out of my system, flushed down the drain like the remnants of last nights binge session.  But like the hangover that sneaks up on you I'm left with the throbbing headache.  I must be sick, sick in love with the notion of you, but unlike the notion the person is not actually true.

How can the person that meant so much to me for so long feel like nothing more than a ghost haunting my memories.  Love sick or am I just sick of love.  Fuck love, but I love to FUCK!  I gotta do something to pop this thing out of neutral because I'm so tired of being stuck.  My love for you has gone from sweet, to bittersweet, to the bitter taste of a bit lip after being punched in the face.  

I know we keep doing this to ourselves, but much like a house filled with laundry the cycle seems to be wash, rinse, and repeat.  It's painful loving you and even more so knowing you.  There use to be a time when the sound of your name rolling off of my tongue was my favorite word and it had this certain ring.  But these days it's become one of these ignominious things.  It's become my second least favorite words right after the word  Nigger but just before Failure.

I want so badly to be able to wish you well, but if I'm being completely honest here well wishes and soft kisses are the furthest that come to mind when I think of you.  A tortured soul I feel I'll always be especially when it comes to thoughts of you and me.  I know that one day I'll wake up and the only memory of you will be from a life long since forget only brought back by the tiniest corners of the nostalgia of my mind.  Once upon a time I was in love with you.  Why was it never enough?

For some reason this song reminds me of the greatest love affair.

This song has become my new obsession.  Thank you Secret Life of Walter Mitty movie Trailer.