Cheers

In all actuality I meant to come right in the door and write this entire, but like most things in life I seem to be just a step behind, always just a little late. But now worries, I'm here now and I think I'll write for just a bit.  Now when I say for just a bit I don't mean that I'm going to be long winded like I usually am.  I just wanted to say a few things and mainly to someone I know doesn't even read this, but I'll say it anyway because it means that much to me.  

Cory Williamson is one of my best friends and for the longest time I guess I thought he would go crazy and paint himself green and have everybody calling him Sherk.  And I know that deep down in the back of all of our minds we thought that he was going to just leave one day a set sail and become a pirate.  And today I've found out that that dream or thought that we all might have is alive and well.  Because today my friend Cory passed his Captains Test.  And goddamnit  now I have to actually call him Captain Cory.  But I must say that I'm so freaking happy for him it's silly.  So right here and now I want to say Cheers to Cory.

So if you are reading this make sure to congratulate that premature ejaculator and maybe now that he's a captain he'll finally use his status to get laid more.

Captain Cory "Corpedo" Williamson

Just call him Capt'n Cor!!

The Stories We Tell

I've been thinking of a way to write this entry for the past week.  I know what you're thinking easy with the heavy lifting buddy.  But seriously there is something that I really wanted to say, but I just didn't know how to say it.  It has something to do with the stories we tell and live, and with human contact and the way we treat each other, especially in light of the events of today.  I wish I could better articulate what it is exactly that I am feeling, but I just know that in this moment I am probably going to fail a million percent.

Deep down what it is that I am feeling all comes down to stories.  My story, your story, the person five years from now that I meet and their story.  I love stories, all the way from the most elegant and extravagant to the most basic and fundamental ones.  Stories are why I love to write, they are why I love movies, hell they are why I love people so much.  Because everyone of us big or small young or old, black, white or purple have their own unique story, and that story of theirs is what makes them the person that they are.  

Now I have lived just a shade over a quarter of a century and in that time I have learned that while everyone has a story some of those stories just are worth the time of reading.  Much like a Us Weekly or an In Touch magazine they might have some glitz to their story, but there just isn't too much substance.  These are the people that fall by the waste side.  I feel like at this very moment I should a bit like a dick, but seriously I am being completely for real I have as much use for people with these empty and hollow stories the rag tag magazines i just mentioned as I do an asshole on my forehead.

I say all of this to talk about some very unique stories I heard just a few weeks ago when I was at a buddies birthday party.  One of a person I have known somewhat and the other of someone that I had never met and I know I will probably never meet again.  But both stories touched me in a profound way.  The first was of a girl that shall remain nameless, but she happened to be the wife of a friend of mine, and we started talking about movies and tv shows and all the stuff that pretty much gives me a boner and for the record the longer we talked about all these great tv shows like Arrested Development, The West Wing, Parks and Rec, The Office and so many more I have to say I did get a little aroused.   What a sicko.  Well I am a pervert and Leslie Knope does in fact give me a boner.  But that's not the point I'm getting at, am already getting off track.

So we are talking about TV shows and all that jazz when I find out that like me Aaron Sorkin is one of her favorite writers, and we just go down the list of tv shows he's created and movies that he's written and god it was so much fun finding a kindred spirit in that department.  And after a bit she tells me that when she was in law school in DC she actually wrote a pilot.  And I was just blown away.  Not because I didn't think she was smart enough or anything like that, but just because I thought it was just the coolest thing ever.  And I was just listening to her tell me this  story that I found to be so unique and fascinating and I just felt so very close to her.  And it's not like we are the best of friends or that we ever will be.  She is my friends wife, and she is a good person, and she wrote a pilot once which I think is pretty fucking cool.

The next story is probably the reason it took me so long to finally write this, because really it disturbed me so much and made me feel so bad that I needed a little bit of time to process it all.  If you're reading this and you've read any of my other entries you might know that I am a crier and this story just makes me want to cry.  

So in the middle of this birthday bowling celebration, somewhere in between me getting my TV show Boners I met a guy. A guy named Bruce.  This guy looked to be a guy that was down on his luck.  he looked to be in his early 20's and the closes he wore were a bit dirty, as if he might of worn them for a day or so.  He wasn't smelly or anything but he carried a backpack with him, and you just got the feeling that everything that he owned in life, which wasn't much was in that backpack. 

He came up to me and a buddy of mine to shoot the shit with us.  He was a black kid as are me and my buddy so I think he just felt more comfortable with us.  He asked us both what we did for a living and then told us (and me in particular because my buddy was back and forth bowling) about himself.  He was a hell of a nice guy and he told me he was happy to see a couple of black guys that were positive people and that were doing so well, and that he was trying his hardest to really make something of himself, and you know what I think he will, because even though he seemed to be in a bit of a hard circumstance the guy had a smile on his face the whole time.

But the part of the story that disturbed me, the part of the story that almost made me loose it was when we went to introduce ourselves.  He sat down next to me and told me his name was Bruce, then he held out his hand to shake mine and asked me what mine was.  I shook his hand and told him mine was Brandon.  And the next things that came out of his mouth have to be in the top five worst things another human has said to me, and that includes when my parents sat me down and said they were getting a divorce.  He said to me, "Oh, my league name is Brandon too.  But when I was little I was in a home, and there was already a Brandon there, so they named me Bruce."  I didn't really know what to say after he said that.  

It is moments like this when I think that I want to resign myself from this world, because there are so many people out there that just aren't worth liking.  It's so awful to think that there is this kid and because he is living with these fucking awful people that are too lazy to have two kids in the house with the same name they called this kid Bruce.  Just gave him a new name, so much to the fact that when he introduces himself to people today he calls himself Bruce.  I've been thinking of this guys story and it just crushes my spirit, it really does. But then I think about this guy just always smiling and he had such an optimistic look on life and I thank god that I got to hear this guys story. Because if by some chance something happens to him and he his gone from this earth tomorrow, he will in some part live one because I know him, and I will tell his story, or at least the story of him that I know.

When I was in college, one of my favorite professors asked us all what "our stories were"?  He was going around the room asking us, but nobody really got it.  He had to tell us his story before it really clicked.  I remember this day very well because it was one of the first times I was truly honest with someone about how I was really feeling in that period of my life.  I remember it all very well.  After nobody really got it he stopped and told us "his story", He said, "My story is I was in love with two women and I had to make a choice and go on living the rest of my life."  When he said that I remember thinking that I don't ever remember a time where someone of authority or being an adult had ever been so honest with a group of kids.  And when he came back around to me and said, "Brandon, what's your story?"  I told him straight up that my story was, "The thing I wanted and loved most in life I failed at, and now I'm trying to figure out what that next thing I'm going to love is."  And I remember leaving that class feeling so free having said exactly what I felt, which I really hadn't done before.  

And now many years have passed and my story has changed quite a bit, and even though I am still the same person as I was back them I am completely different if that makes any since.  And right now I would say that my story is.... "Me trying to get up the guts to be the person that I've always wanted to be, so that the people I love can be proud of me."  WHAT'S YOUR STORY?

Just my version of an early Christmas Present

NATIONAL SIBLINGS DAY, WHAT?

So today in the Ponder Household it was National Siblings Day!  Now before the day started the thought of that just made me vomit.  Another completely made up day for ridiculous people that have nothing better to do right??  That is absolutely 100 percent wrong!!!  You see the more I fight it and try to fake the funk the more it always seems to come back and slap me right in the size 8 hat wearing head. (You heard that correctly, that's SIZE 8)  I absolutely without a doubt have the best sibling in the world and I will fight anybody out there that tries to say any different.  But back to the narration of my day.

To start off this morning right around the time I was taking my morning piss and wishing that I could jump back in bed for five more days, my text message on my phone goes off.  And at this point I'm thinking who is texting me at 7:45 in the fucking morning.  Oh it's my sister reminding me that it's national siblings day and tell me she can't wait until dinner tonight. (Oh yeah I forgot to tell you my sister told me a few days ago that today was national siblings day and that we would be spending the evening having dinner together.)  Wasn't really the light at the end of the tunnel that is my day that I was hoping for.  So I go to work (total bullshit, I won't bore you with the details) deal with that fiasco and then get off and I am to meet my sister at my moms so that we can go to dinner. (she has a Groupon!!!!)

Well long story short we don't use the groupon and we end up at Outback were I must say that we just have a delightful time.  The conversation ranges from the service, which I am of the general consensus that Outback has gone down in service which I'm still trying to put my finger on why that is. (there will be more on that at a later date I'm sure)  My sister on the other hand thinks I am mistaken.  We also talk about stuff that happened to my sister ON YESTERDAY (her words) and her general displeasure to the nissan dealership because of the fact that every time she takes her car in to get it serviced they don't wash it after they are done with it.  Which is my favorite conversation of the night because as crazy as my sister is she has a damn good point.  The next time you see her ask her about it she'll love to tell you about it I'm sure.  

No somewhere in the middle of dinner I ordered a beer.  And when they brought out the beer it was in a bit of a fancy pint glass that I mentioned that I liked.  Now this may not have happened at all this way but I like to picture that it did so fuck anyone who says that I'm wrong about it.  So after I mentioned that I liked the glass our conversation went on and we ate dinner and we talked about so many different things but my big sister being the person that she is could think about nothing other than getting her little brother that glass.  I mean hell it is National Siblings Day after all.  So after the check comes and we pay for everything and we realize that we need to get home to watch Modern Family I slam the rest of my beer so we can go.  As I'm about to slide out of the both my sister says to me, "finish the rest of that beer."  which I already had, all but the tiniest bit that was still in the glass. It was at this point I said "I have." and picked it up and showed it to her.  Then she asks me if I want the glass or not because apparently she is going to stick it in her purse.  I'm so nervous and I tell her flat out I'm good at these types of things, to which she responds, "I know but I am."  So she waits until the coast is clear puts the glass in her purse and we rush out of the restaurant like a couple of Jr High kids.  Happy National Siblings Day to me.

But that's not where the story ends my friend, after watching a great episode of NASHVILLE I start talking about my ITUNES library and how some of the music is separated even though it's all part of the same album.  It is at this point where the person that earlier this evening said, ON YESTERDAY grabs my computer and schools me on sincing up my ITUNES library and how to combine this songs that are on the same album but when they get downloaded to ITUNES somehow end up separated.  I was absolutely amazed and we both had a five minute laugh about it.

So that was my day in a nutshell.  To say that I had an amazing NATIONAL SIBLINGS DAY would be a giant understatement.  I have to best sister in the world, and like I said earlier in this I will fight anybody that tries to say any different.

HAPPY NATIONAL SIBLINGS DAY TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!

Something Personal

So right now at this very moment there are things and forces at work that are shaping the rest of our lives and we don't even know it.  There are things that we have control over and then there are things that are completely out of our control.  And all of these things are shaping us without us even really knowing, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. I say all this because, well I guess I don't really know why I said all that.  

For as long as I can remember I've loved baseball.  I mean I just loved it, and when it didn't work out I was kind of lost.  I had to find out what else I loved.  I realized that I love people and want to do whatever I can to help them.  And I always realized that I love stories and the uniqueness of them.  And I thought to myself maybe I could write one of those stories one day.  So I've been working on something lately, kind of a simple prose and I've let a few people read it but I thought to myself, today why not let more, so here goes nothing.....

The Dreams of Reality

By: Brandon K Ponder

I'm in love with a girl I seem to barely even know.  Or maybe I'm not.  Maybe I'm just in love with the idea of this girl.  And I know some people might think that is childish, but really what's wrong with being in love with an idea?  Einstein fell in love with an idea.  It turned into the Theory of Relativity.  That seemed to work out okay.

I know I shouldn't be as invested in this with a girl I barely even know but I can't help but feel that somehow she is very important to me.  With that messy blonde hair and those crystal blue eyes that are as bright and as deep as the Pacific Ocean.  I love the fact that her style is understandably overstated and I don't really get it but like gravity I'm constantly pulled back towards it.

I'm in love with a girl and I don't even really know if she knows I exist.  I mean in the physical sense of course he knows because we've seen each over several times and even shared a drink once if I remember correct.  I'm talking about the mental or carnal aspects of a relationship.  The good stuff that forces you past like and into love.  Did that joke I told really land or was that slight smile just for courtesy?  When I stood next to her during that flip cup game and our fingertips glanced and she locked onto mine for the slightest of seconds was she flirting or was it just happenstance?

I know that this is probably a long shot but maybe I should start planning the last first date she'll ever go on.  Should I take her out to a nice romantic dinner?  What if my awkward conversation doesn't scare her off?  What if she finds the fact that I don't know whether to order white or red wine with dinner endearing rather than embarrassing?  Maybe then I can go out on a limb and take her to a little vintage movie theater where I go to find solace.  Or should I invite her for drinks at one of those new Gastropubs?  Just to show her that I am somewhat of a beer connoisseur.  After a couple of tall glasses of liquid courage and some well timed flirting I can lean in and tell her I love her.  After all it worked for Ted Mosby.  Well I guess not really, but kind of.

I'm in love with a girl and the sad thing is she might not ever know it.  You see I have this thought in my head that I might be one of the last great romantics.  And as such I believe that only unfulfilled love can be truly romantic.  And the image that I have of her at this very moment is quite perfect so why spoil all my hopes and dreams on a silly thing like reality?  But maybe this notion is more romanticized than it actually is romantic.  and even though sleeping is sometimes better than waking the slightest of odds or percentages of being with her has to be better than any dream.

I'm in love with a girl can there possibly be anything better?  Not for me, not today, I won't wait until tomorrow for her to know it.

The Bittersweet Best Time of the Year

Hello ladies and sirs, I would say that I'm rather chipper today but that would be a complete lie.  You see today I had the day from hell but I made it out on the other side and I decided today is as good a day as any to talk about something that I really love..... That's right guys I know you already know where this is going.  We are going to be talking about BASEBALL!!

I must confuse that this time of the year is bittersweet for me, but really it is definitely more sweet than bitter.  I don't think there is anything better in the world than the beginning of baseball season.  Everybody is always so hopeful and it just seems like anything is possible.  And my friends that is exactly what baseball is.  It's that feeling that anything is possible.

As much as I love baseball and believe me I do, I really hadn't planned on writing about it.  But then I was talking to a very good friend of mine and he asked if I would blog about the importance of baseball, because so many people were bad mouthing it lately. And so let me start off by addressing those people right this very instant.  GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COUNTRY YOU FUCKING TERRORIST!!! You have a bad thing to say about baseball? Well I just think that is unpatriotic, it is America's National Pastime for fucksake.  So grow up all of you.

And I know what some of you idiots out there are thinking, "Football is what this country is all about. I love the NFL and there is just nothing like it.  Baseball is just too slow for me." To that all I can say is that I just feel sorry for you and the fact that you just don't get it.  I'm sure you also rather watch the Real World or The Bachelor rather than Seinfield or The Office because you just don't get it.   And then there are of course some that have jumped onto that runaway Basketball bandwagon. "I love the Thunder, they're so exciting.  Who wants to watch baseball when the Thunder are still playing." And I love basketball as much as the next guy, but as a wise man once said, (Edmond Hooks) "You can train circus seals to bounce a ball off there nose and make it into a hoop."  I very seriously doubt you could teach him how to hit a 3-2 slider with 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth.

It's just a shame too, because there just aren't enough people out there that love baseball, and I fear that we are all living in a society where we are not teaching our children to love baseball.  Especially our black children.  I mean seriously they are all looking up to LeBum James and Kevin Durant, those are the guys that are cool.  Now granted I love Kevin Durant, but when are we going to sit our children down and go over the list of chicks that Derek Jeter has Slayed throughout his career and show these kids what cool really looks like?

But in all seriousness, baseball is the perfect game, and most of the things that I have in live I have because of baseball.  I met some of my best friends on a baseball field.  I went through one of the most grueling best worst years of my life on a baseball field with a coach that did things that would make this Rutgers coach look soft as baby shit.  Baseball taught me how to never give up and no matter how bad things seem tomorrow is a new day and that's all you need to get hot and for a streak to begin. 

Baseball is a sport of failure.  You're gonna get knocked down, struck out and hit around a lot.  That's just the nature of the game, but in the end just like in life you're gonna get the chance to get back up and take another swing at it.  I've come to terms with the fact that life is very much about failure.  And if it's not for you, well I'm glad to hear it and you can fuck off. But more than it is a sport of failure it's a sport of getting up and proving yourself, it's a sport of long shots and underdogs, and really who doesn't love an underdog.

Me and a friend of mine once got into a conversation about baseball and what really makes it so great.  And we talked about a great number of things about it.  We talked about just how difficult it is to hit a 92 mile an hour fastball, or hit a curveball that explodes out of someones hand a falls off of the table.  We talked about just how many bang bang plays happen at first base and how the dimensions of the game seem to be just perfect for almost winning or almost losing.  We talked about how the season starts right we spring blooms and everything seems to be getting revived from the winter, and the hotter it gets and the further into summer the season goes the more the races heat up.  And just as the fall comes and the leaves begin to change, just before winter takes it's first bite, it's over.  

There's a certain fill to baseball that coincides with life. After all unlike most games there is no time limit in baseball. There is not clock that you are going by.  When the umpire says play ball the game starts and after nine innings if the score is 0-0 you keep playing, and you keep playing until somebody scores a run and then the stop the other team from scoring.  I know this all my sound strange and maybe I am just some schmuck that loves baseball and none of this sounds like anything but nonsense to you, but I promise you it's not.

There's nothing like that feeling you get when you step out on a field that you've had to work on yourself and you play a game.  Or the feeling of throwing a fastball right by the best hitter on the opposing team, or throwing a backdoor breaking ball a striking somebody out looking for the third out the inning and your catcher running off and rolling the ball to the mound because he knows it was strike three before the umpire had a chance to say a word.  Or to hammer that hanging breaking ball and putting a game out of reach.  Or hitting that walk off home run and seeing your whole team waiting at home plate to celebrate with you.  Believe me there are very few things in life that can ever compare.  

I know all these things sound crazy but they really aren't.  The are things that have happened to me, or people just like me.  They are things that are happening right now all over America.  Baseball is a great sport and for me it is the greatest of sports.  I mean where else can you see a guy who was all but out of baseball working all sorts of different odd jobs hit a home run off of one of the premiere pitcher of the game in his first major league at bat?  Baseball is now and always will be this nations national pastime.  And for all of you out there that don't recognize or respect that, well I just feel sorry for you.

Sometimes I Cry

So it's 11:30 at night I am just winding down for the night and was about to call it a night and hit the sack when I got this lightning rod that went through my head and I just had to write something down.

There are many thing that people may or may not know about me but one very important thing that I just feel like saying right now and damn it I have know shame in it whatsoever... Well I mean it is pretty shameful so maybe not whatsoever but I'm going to put on a brave face and just say I shame.  But deep down inside you must all know that I have slipped into a shame spiral and the only way for me to come out on the other side is to just proclaim this and let the chips fall, let the chips fall where they may.....

I know the suspense has to be killing you all and hopefully I have drug this on just long enough to where you are getting intrigued but know too long to where you're on the beginning side of getting pissed off.  (And now the big reveal) I cry a lot.  Oh man if only my father could read that last sentence, I know he would be so proud of me.  I mean even today, I've already cried twice. (Once watching the end of a Knight's Tale, RIP Heath. And the other watching an episode of Friday Night Lights on Netflix) that's just your average everyday run on the mill Monday.  God only knows how many times I'll let it go tomorrow.

I mean it's just ridiculous at this point.  And for the longest time I've been a shame cryer.  One of those people that is crying but trying his best to make sure nobody knows that he's crying.  You know ducking away when something sad is on and maybe trying to wipe the tears away with a shirt sleeve.  Or really holding it in and letting your nose run a little so nobody really hears you sniffle.  that's me my friend, but not anymore.  I think I'm gonna turn myself into a make everyone feel awkward cryer now.  like I'm going to purposely make eye contact with people and stare them down while the tears run down my face just to see how they react.  I think it's going to be magical.

So yeah I guess now the secret is out of the bag.  And it's so over the top and out of control with me.  Of course movies do it for me every time.  From Forrest Gump to Finding Neverland to Dark Knight to Closer.  I can't help it when somebody delivers a beautiful line, or the movie hits me in such a way that I feel like I am a part of the story, or the writing and story and cinematography and direction is so beautiful I think to myself that what I've just seen is literally a masterpiece. 

then you have the other things, like some kind words in a card from a friend. Or the ending of a road trip with friends and the feeling of never being in that place again.  Or once driving home from a friends on the turnpike and looking around and seeing all the leaves on the trees had turned such bright and beautiful colors and for a moment you feel like you're in a damn painting or something. I mean the sad thing is these are just a few reason why I cry so damn much.  Know that I've written this down I know surely after I post it I will feel that I have made a mistake, but you know what I don't care, my name is Brandon Ponder and I cry a lot.

Quick story before I go.  So in college me and Cory went and saw Freedom Writers for a class.  The movie was pretty good and there were a few sad parts in it.  Now for those of you that have heard this story you probably believe that it was Cory that was the one that broke down in tears over the movie.  You probably believe this because, well I told you that is what happened, and I'm sure that before you all read this entry you thought I was just this big tough guy with a heart of stone.  Well let me just set the record straight and tell you all it was me.  Feels so good to get that off my chest.  Anyway I hope you all have enjoyed this education and here are just a few trailers that have caused me to shed some tears recently.