29 and Loving it...I Guess!

I am quite drunk right now.  I thought I should just come out and say it right of the bat.  So I can't really be held responsible for what all I'm going to say in this post.  Which is my way of basically saying that you can all just suck it.

This will be my last post of 2013.  That's a crazy thing to say. I mean 2013 has been one hell of a year for me.  And I've actually posted a lot to this blog this year.  I hope that you all have enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed writing it.  And I know that it's a little puff piece that you read every once in a while, but I love writing that puff.

Fuck, I'm 29 years old!!! It's such a weird thing being in this place right now.  I had no idea that on my 29th birthday I would be here in North Hollywood writing to you.  To be honest I didn't think I would be here at all.  Now that is another totally sad and well stupid story that I won't even go into, but I will say this.  No matter what you think about yourself or your situation it gets better.  If there is one thing I could say to anybody it would be that.

Now since my birthday is right after Christmas and right before New Year's I get to not only get those happy birthday/Christmas presents but I also get to deal with the fact that around this time of the year everybody is talking about how they are going to be their best self next year and they are going to change everything about the upcoming year.

Now it's a long running joke between me and one of my best friends CORY WILLIAMSON that on New Years we talk about how this next year is going to be our year.  And how we are going to bend this year over and bang it into submission.  We say this thing to each other every year and every year, the year ends up bending us over and banging us into submission.  Like I said it's a long standing joke with us and we almost kind of enjoy how each year fucks us over.  

But I'll tell you right here and now that I can safely say that 2013 was our year!!!  I'm not one to ever sit around and brag about anything, but this has been such an amazing year.  And not just for me, but for all of my friends and family.  I will alway remember 2013 for as long as I live.  

I'd like to sit here on this drunken night and talk about some of the ups and the reason why I'll always remember this year.  This was the year that my best friend moved to Florida.  I had made plans that at the beginning of 2013 I was going to fly the coup. But something held me in place and I waited until June, but in February CORY decided to take his talents to HOMOSASSA.  I remember being so happy and jealous about it at the same time.  And everybody I knew asked me how I was ever going to get along with Cory being gone.  And now here we both are on different coast living our lives trying to make something of ourselves.  And the crazy thing is that CORY WILLIAMSON is a true pioneer and I will see he as the captain of his own pirate ship one of these days.

A couple of my really good friends had babies this year.  And really and truly what is more special than that.  I mean for the rest of my life I get to think about all the crazy shit that we have done, and then say to myself, "that guy is a dad?!?"  or "that girl is a mom?!?"  And the thing is Cody and Amy, and Shea and Chrissi being parents suits you all.  I mean every picture that I see that gets put up makes me more in love with those little ones.  

Some of my friends celebrated their first year of marriage this year, which with the way that people are ping ponging around it is now some feet.  But believe me they did it with ease.  And right along side them there were a couple of friends that used 2013 as a time to get pregnant.  And even though it was surprising they are both so incredibly happy.  

I had a friend start flight school, a friend finish up with nursing school, and another finish up with grad school.  And yet another one got married this year.  My sister finally moved back home and even though she hates it became and OKIE all over again.   Both of my parents got job promotions and my second parents bought some land and decided to build their very own dream house on it.  

And I had yet another friend buy his very own and very first house.  I talked to him earlier tonight and we got to talking and he said to me something I don't think I'll ever forget.  He said to me, "Brandon it's funny, Baseball. a game of failure has led to all of my success."  You see Mike is from Venezuela and he came here to play baseball.  And because of baseball he got to go to college, and get is MBA and now be a land owner in America and let me just say that is pretty fucking cool.  So for those of you that say that sports don't matter, FUCK YOU.  They can change your whole life.

But really as I sit here still kind of surprise that I'm still awake and haven passed out yet, I just have to say that 2013 has been a pretty fucking spiritual year for me.  I've done things I've never thought I would do and I've loved every minute of it. I finally got to go on my cross country road trip with my dad.  And I really did have a blast.  I grew a pair of balls and finally said bye bye to Oklahoma and hit that open road to California.

It was the scariest thing that I've ever done, but the most meaningful as well.  Before I left Oklahoma I didn't think that my life had meaning.  I didn't think that I was good enough.  I didn't think that I was worthy.  And I know that it might sound weird but that is really how I felt about myself.  I felt as though I was an unworthy person that was really and truly letting my parents down for all they had sacrificed for me.

And when I got here, I felt more like myself than I have in so many years.  I felt as though I was in the place I was meant to be and I was the person I was meant to be.  I got to work on a movie set, with a world famous actress in Kristen Stewart.  I've worked on commercials that have aired on TV and I've worked on television shows with a world famous scientist.  I've done things that I really only could have dreamed of, and the thing about it is that I'm not done yet.  

I am going to push myself to the limit of what is humanly possible for myself, because that is the only way that I know how to do things.  God only knows where I will be 2 years down the line, but I know that right now I'm doing well, and my family and friends are doing well, and I'm just so damn happy to be alive.

I"m sorry this all sounds so random and crazy, but like  said, I'm drunk so really and truly you can't hold it all aganist me. 
I hope all can read this and I hope that it inspires you to step back and take a looke and your life and you're hopes and dreams that come flooding in don't just end up getting washed away.

I have nothing more to say but I love you all.  And Sam you walk on a cloud of sunshine and you completely refresh everything that I am and that i want to be.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Well I guess let me start off by wishing all that read this, and everybody everywhere(But mostly all that read this) a very Merry Christmas!!!  I am in the mist of my very first California Christmas, and let me say that the weather out here is so beautiful I think I'm going to say it again. "Why wouldn't you live here?!??!"  

I was so nervous about not being with my family today, because I've never experienced not being with my family for Christmas.  A sort of thing that I really have just taken for granted all these years.  Let me tell you I don't think I'll ever take it for granted again.  I miss them so very much today.  But I have managed to survive wouldn't you know it.

So I always knew that today besides making a little dinner for myself and my roommate Justin and his "boyfriend" the one other thing that I was going to do this Christmas was go and watch a movie.  Now this may sound trivial to all of you out there reading this, but I put a lot of thought into what would be my Christmas movie this year.  And since I was away from my family and out here in sunny California I decided that my Christmas movie had to uplift me and make me really appreciate being alive.  So really there was no other movie that I felt was going to do this right than THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY.

Really and truly all I want to say about this movie is GO AND SEE IT.  That really is the most important thing that I could say, but you know I have more so just grin and bare it because here it comes.  Now leading up to this movie there had been a lot of talk, and the critics have had a lot to say about it and I tried my damnedest to not read or watch anything about the movie.  I say I tried because ultimately I failed spectacularly on that end as I often do.  

I never really read a full review or anything but just partials here and there, and from what I've been reading critics have not really dug MITTY.  A critic has never made me want to or not want to see a movie, but sometimes things that I read in a review get inside my head and it leads to me overly criticizing a movie and I just didn't want MITTY to be that movie.  After all it was my most anticipated movie of the year.

I'm going to say right now MITTY did not disappoint.  It hit all the right notes for me and to say that I loved the movie would be the biggest of understatements.  Now maybe when I revisit it I'll find things I don't like or choices that I think could have been different, but on this day, it was just the right medicine for me to take.  

I know some maybe say that some of the daydream sequences were a little much, and it's to corny, or feel goodie.  And to all those people I guess all I can say about that is..... GO FUCK YOURSELF!  Because I don't care about any of that, because sometimes I think that there aren't enough really really good corny or feel goodie movies out there being made. 

I feel that at any given time people need a movie like this.  A movie that makes you feel that magic you used to feel when you were a kid about life.  A movie that reminds you that there is a whole big and beautiful world out there.  Filled with so many wonderful and special things that our hearts can't even begin to contain all of it that is out there.  This is a movie that reminds you that no matter what happens or is happening in your life it is never to late to get up off the bench and enter the game.  

I really do think that it's important that all of us and humans always be exploring and always reaching.  And honestly you don't have to go halfway across the world to see that beauty.  There are so many things around us that we just never take the time to stop and realize and enjoy the fact that we are in a very special moment.  

I am always searching for myself or my own thoughts or the way I feel about things in movies.  And some of my favorites have always been the ones that I most relate to at that very moment in time.  I just kept telling myself that I was going to love this movie because I am MITTY and at this moment in time I am full of this feeling of adventure.  But as I watched the movie I realized one important fact that made me love this movie even more, and even has me teary eyed as I write this.  

I AM NOT WALTER MITTY.  Outside of his crazy affinity to drift off into a day dream I am not this character.  I am Kathryn Hahn's character, MITTY's sister.  The simple fact is that my sister is WALTER MITTY. And those of you that have heard me talk about my sister probably won't quite understand when you see this. But I'm telling you the person she is, the things she's done and not gotten to do, and the person that I get to be because of her.  Well I'll just say that she'll always be WALTER MITTY to me.  And when I think about that fact, I know that this movie will always be one of my favorites.

Anyway, I hope you all have a MERRY CHRISTMAS and you get to take a little time to read this, and then a little bit more time to go to the movies and watch this.  To all of my FRIENDS and FAMILY out there I love and miss you all very much.

PISSED OFF

I want to talk a little about something I was talking about with a friend earlier today.  You see I hadn't talked to Alyssa in, well I really don't know how long it had been since we talked.  That's kind of a sad thing to admit about one of my best friends.  You see we kind of got into it about this game that I made up and there was a slap, and then she was totally wrong about something but failed to and I think will never admit to it and the next thing you know, we haven't talked for a while.  

But enough about that, because this last weekend she graduated from graduate school, and next week she starts her new job, so before I go any further with what I have to say let us take a minute to reflect and congratulate my best friend Alyssa Ashley........Okay moment's over.  So we were talking having one of our deep talks.  I was forgoing my lunchtime nap to do so by the way.  And after discussing a scenario that I wish not to discuss any further, with the exception of this one word...CUNT. I stumble upon a term that I would like to discuss in slight detail right now.  Emotional Masturbation

Now you might be asking yourself right now what is emotional masturbation.  That's a good question and I will surely get to all of that.  I guess it's hard for me to describe emotional masturbation without talking about just good old regular masturbation.  I know, I know, this blog will probably cross whatever line I have set up in the first place, but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.  

Masturbation is great, I will say right here and now that I am a huge fan of it.  some of life's biggest questions I have been able to go into a quiet room and jerk the answers right out of them.  But really and truly in all seriousness it is this totally physical and raw and self fulfilling thing that people do in the privacy of their own homes.  And as far as I know men do it so much more than women.  I think this is the case because there is a very primal and animalistic feel about the whole process which I will not get into right now.

Are you still with me?  Have you made it through all of that?  Because if you have this is the stuff that I really wanted to talk about.  EMOTIONAL MASTURBATION, now the thing about this is that this is not a singular act.  It takes two to tango in this one.  This is the process by which someone gets someone else to get them off because they are feeling down and out.  This is the classic I don't feel good about myself so let me get somebody else to boost my confidence and get me off.  

It is my grand experience that women are by far the biggest culprits of Emotional Masturbation.  And right here and now I'm going to say that it its sickening to me.  I mean really show enough fortitude to get yourself off.  Why must you always call somebody, text somebody, or do whatever you do to get the validation or the orgasm that you need. (yes I'm going on a tangent about my own personal experiences and I don't mean to throw all women under the bus, but lets face it one rotten apple can spoil the whole bunch.  And that is basically what she has done.)  

I am not here to get you off because you are having a bad day, or bad week, or whatever the fuck is happening to you.  Please figure it out yourself.  I'm not your personal verbal pleasure stick that you can call on to say all the right things to you because of whatever reason, and then tomorrow you feel dirty about the whole exchange and say that you made a mistake.  For fuck's sake grow a pair and deal with it yourself.  Or at least do what any decent self respecting person would do inside of going out and being Emotional Masturbated, go out and get fucked.  Literally. By whomever, the guy that is Emotional Masturbating you are a complete stranger or your significant other.  Whatever the case may be at least if you are gonna use somebody to make you feel good about yourself do the decent thing and make them feel something other than a slap in the face.

This all makes absolutely no sense with no context, and the thing is you aren't going to get it, not from me.  If you were offended by any of this I'm sorry, I'm not sorry.  You just got a little glimpse inside the mind of me.  Pretty scary stuff.

SHUT UP and go to the MOVIES already.

I had a grand plan tonight to write about sports.  I watched football all Saturday and was reminded about the beauty of sports, and I just couldn't wait to write about it.  But tonight I am really tired having just lived a very long day and I don't think I would do what I wanted to say justice.  So I'll leave that for tomorrow perhaps or sometime later this week when I can really express what I feel about the subject.

So you will have to take this small taste of the ongoing subject that I always seem to reference on this damn thing.  And that of course is....You guessed it, MOVIES!!!  So here is the thing.  I know that people think that movies are slowly but surely dying and with streaming and red box and all the other ways to get it fast and get it quick people just don't want to go out to a movie house and watch a picture show.

Movies seem to be going and going fast.  I mean with your Kardashians that we have to keep up with, and the Duck Dynasty, and the Dancing with the People who won't give up their 15 minutes, and all the other reality TV that we all love to watch it's no wonder why they are fading.  And not to mention the streaming where we all go to binge watch our favorite programs or the shows that we've all heard about but never could get into, but now we want to be a part of that office discussion.  I'm talking about you... Walking Dead, Scandal, Orange is the New Black.  And I'm saying all this because I really do think that it's a shame that more people out there are worried about if Olivia Pope is gonna finally get with Fitz than have seen a movie like 12 Years a Slave, or About Time, or Dallas Buyers Club. 

And the thing is that I'm just as guilty as all of you when it comes to this.  I'm not here to point a finger, well I guess I am but at least I'll point it at myself as well.  Because the truth is that it's not okay.  It's not okay to care more about these than some of the great cinema that is out today.  It's just not. Because as a friend of mine always tells me these shows give you that cheap and predictable thrill that you know at this point in the episode X is going to happen, and that they are going to leave you hanging so you have to stay tuned for next week, or next month, or next year.

A movie gives you 2 hours to get it right, and then it's gone, but when it's done right it can stay with you for a lifetime.  Which is why at the age of 28 I still find myself writing down, "Do or do not; There is no try."  or that a personal motto of mine is "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'". 

And I know that every couple of months I write about movies and how great they are and blah, blah, blah.  And if I sound like I'm over the top, it's just because I'm really passionate about it.  This weekend for instance I saw two of the best movies I've seen this year, and I cried in both of them for completely different reasons but they both moved me in a way that made me feel great about being alive.  

Inside Llewyn Davis was, well what I thought to be a beautiful love note to folk music and that time period when it was alive and just starting out.  It was touching, and funny, and dark, and complex, and beautiful all at the same time.  And then tonight after a shit day of classic Brandon Ponder fuck ups I got to sit down and watch a quite little powerhouse of a movie really in Nebraska.  With a score that is still ringing in my head hours after I watched the movie.  And this portrait of a life that I know oh too well because I in some since have lived it or people very close to me have or are living it.  And that made me stop and think about the lives of my parents.  The lives they had before me, the lives they lived as I grew up, and even now the lives they continue to live while I'm hundreds of miles away.  

And I don't get these feeling from watching TV.  I don't get this electricity that makes me want to say up and write even when I'm dead tired after watching a TV show that I love.  So just do something for me this week.  Go to a movie. Take your wife, your husband, your best friend, your girlfriend, your mother, your father, your son, your daughter, your brother or sister, hell just take yourself.  Sit in that dark room  with popcorn and a drink and just get lost in a story.  And after it's all said and done, talk to someone about it.  Why you liked it, why you hated it, if it changed your view on the world, or if it reminded you of something from your past.  I dare you to do that, and I promise you'll feel a whole hell of a lot better about everything.

Hard Days, Good Days

Today was a hard day for me.  And not a hard day as in 8 hours slipping and sliding on a roof tearing off and nailing down shingles.  But a hard day non the less.  I was sitting in an office, in a cubicle on a phone call talking to a client and I felt completely lost.  But not a what am I doing with my life kind of lost, but a lost in the shuffle kind of lost.  

I was sitting there and I could hear the words that they were saying to me, and I know I was saying things back to them, but I just felt as if I was a hundred thousand miles away.  It's weird because I remember a time when I use to feel that way a lot.  When I was younger I always had his feeling of being on the outside looking in.  Being the square peck in a room or group full of round holes.  I used to get lost in my imagination.  I would pretend I was a jedi, or a ninja, or whatever my mind could think of and I would get lost.

That all changed when I found sports, and I guess baseball in particular.  I make no bones about the fact that I'm a weird person.  All growing up I tried to hide it or cover it up, because it was easier trying to fit in than stand out.  But as I've gotten older I realize I could give a fuck what most people think, because lets face it most people are idiots.  The reason I clung to sports and loved them so much is because, well in sports it doesn't matter if you're weird.  All that matters is if you can play.  And there is room for every type of person on a team. Believe me I know, I've been on that team, time and time again.  

Which leads me to my next point.  I know I'm all over the place sometimes, but hell it's my blog and I can cry if I want to.  The reason why The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is my most anticipated movie of the year is because when I was younger I remember reading that short story about this guy that drifted off and went on all these great adventures.  And I knew who that guy was.  That guy was me.  And even from a very young age I knew I was that guy.  I'm nice, I'm safe, I'm solidish.  But I think there is something inside of us that yearns for adventure.  That yearns to just go out into the wild if you will and test yourself.  To see something special.  

I'm a nice guy, I'm safe, I'm solidish and to be honest I am not a fan of danger.  I hate amusement parks because i hate roller coasters.  I was the kid that was telling my aunt to slow down when she was speeding up and down hills in ponca city growing up.  I'm the guy that refused to ride home with Cory Williamson because he liked to play a game called no brakes.  But deep down inside me there is something there and I know it.  That's why on my bucket all the way at number 1 is to go and run with the bulls.  And that is no shit, it really is the thing that I want to do most.  I couldn't tell you why I've decided to say any of this, guess I need to have a little personal confession time this evening.

So today was kind of a bummer of a day, it just was, but I got to go outside during lunch and go on a walk and I felt a little better about the state of things.  And when I got home I saw in the internet that the movie that I worked on got accepted into the Sundance Film Festival.  Fuck me.  I know I was just a PA but it still means something.  It's still pretty damn special to me, and I'm still proud as hell that I was a part of it all.  And that's what this place is.  The best way for me to describe it is to say that it's just magic.  Anyway, Peace Out!!!

GUTSGIVING

Two guys set out on a mission to do the almost unthinkable.  I'm sure there were a lot of people out there that doubted them or thought that it could not be done, but let me tell you all that it did get done.  We up and did it and damn was it great.  Me and Cooper set out to make an entire Thanksgiving dinner for just the two of us, by the two of us.  Now in theory this sounds like a really good time, but in reality, it was even better than I could ever imagine.  

The truth is, I really love Thanksgiving.  I always have, I love the noise of it all.  You know all of your family getting together in one house and making a bunch of food and arguing with each other, and watching football, playing spades, more arguing, kidding playing video games and running around, the grown up table, the kids table.  There is just something magical about being with family, even if you really don't like all of your family, you get together on Thanksgiving and it really just doesn't matter.  Oh and then you get to eat and eat and eat.  I mean seriously, best holiday ever.

The thing is though, as you get older and your life changes and your idea of home and family changes and you realize that the ideas of all of these things that you have in your head from when you were a child never really are quite the same anymore, you realize that maybe it's okay to start new traditions.  Traditions that maybe 10 years from now you'll feel the same about as the traditions of the past that you've stored up that get you all teary eyed whenever you think about them.

And thus GUTSGIVING was born.  And to be honest who knows if and when we will ever do this again, but I'm glad we got the chance to do it this year.  Because with all the hustle and bustle of knocking out a full Thanksgiving meal and all the drinking we were doing.  There wasn't much time to feel bad about missing being home.  There was only the joy of being in the kitchen and the anticipation of the meal that we were going to eat.  

For those of you that were following GUTSGIVING yesterday and saw the pictures, let me just say that they really don't even do it all justice.  It was such a great day, that I wish everyone once in their lives could be a part of.  I have a new found respect for my Mother and all my Aunts that were always and are always in the kitchen slaving away to make a Thanksgiving dinner happen and to make it happen on time.  

We said we were going to try and have everything ready by 3pm, but we didn't get it all together until 530pm.  Because of course we completely underestimated the amount of food that we were making.  And the amount was a GUT load.  I can promise you that seeing us in the kitchen and out in the living room prepping the food and drinking, and getting the food ready and drinking was a funny sight to see. 

And the truth is it all became about more than the food and the drinking and the movies and the football.  It felt like the start of a tradition that will live on for the rest of my life.  And the thing about it is, that there may never be another GUTSGIVING in the form of what it was this year.  It may never be two guys held up in an apartment making and eating a whole Thanksgiving dinner.  But I feel like in my heart of hearts it will always be there. 

I feel like this year I regained my love for Thanksgiving, and I have GUTSGIVING to thank for all of that.  God I have no idea where the hell I'm going with all of this.  I thought when I started I had something, but the thing about it is I really don't.  I've got nothing, and the thing is if you are reading this, you should probably stop.  I venture to say that there are better things out there to be reading.  But I guess before I go I just wanted to say that the thing about traditions are that they are always changing.  You really can't hold onto the past too tightly because I've found that it crumbles and turns to ashes in  your hands.

I guess the only thing that I can really say is thank you, to a good friend, that helped me get through my first Thanksgiving without family.


The thing I was most thankful for..... GUTSGIVING