The Black American Male

As I sit in the library trying to do something that I love to do, write, I find that I can't sit still or concentrate for more than five seconds at a time.  I had known that this day was going to come for weeks and even months now, but there still isn't anything that really gets you prepared for it.  And believe you me, I know that it has been a while since I've gotten on here and the verdict of the Michael Brown case really wasn't how I wanted to return to all of you, but I just feel something creeping up inside me and if I hold it down for too long I'm afraid of what might really happen.

I really don't know what to say, or maybe I have a lot to say I just don't really want to say it.  Because as soon as I do I know that all of you will look at me differently.  I know that I'll be relegated to the role of the angry black man, and all of my life I've been told never to go there.  I've been told never to fall prey to that stereotype because in that stereotype that is when the worst case scenario can happen.  And I really don't want to get into the what really happened of it all, I just really want to say that I am disappointed and that I am very sad.  

I know it might sound crazy because I didn't know this young man who was killed and even if I would have met him there is a chance we would not be friend and I would not like him, but I feel a certain kinship with him.  It is the kinship that only another black male can really and truly feel in this country.  I'm talking about a kinship that comes from seeing women clutch their purses a little tighter when you step into an elevator with them.  Or the feeling you get when you walk into a party and everyone is clocking you nervous about what "kind" of black person you are until they meet you and you feel them breathe that sigh of relief.  I'm talking the kinship that only a young black male can know when your dad buys you your first car and within a month you get pulled over because, "that light was yellow when you were going through it and I'm pretty sure it was red before you got through so that's technically running a red light son." "Now, is this your car? Where did you get it from?  Are you sure it's not stolen? Do you have any warrant? You don't have to lie to me so if you have some warrants tell me know and I can go easier on you."  I wish these were just some lines that I made up or this was all just a joke, but these are the words I've heard from cops multiple times in my life.  Even though I've never been arrested, never been suspended from school, hell I've never even gotten a ticket in my entire life.  Well I've had a few parking tickets actually.

By all accounts I am an upstanding citizen and really just a good person but when a cop sees me all he can see is a suspect.  This is the realization of so many if not all Black American men in this country.  I can't be having a bad day if I'm speaking to a police officer.  I have to talk to them as if I was a 10 year old child getting ready to get scolded by his father.  No matter what he says or does I can't get upset.  I have to kiss his ass and hope to god that he doesn't think of me as a threat.  This is the life that Black American males live in this country.  And if you are reading this and you think that I'm full of shit, go ask your black friend about it.  Sit down and have a real conversation about this stuff.  I promise you they will tell you, and they will be all the more grateful to you for asking.

I think that it is a serious problem that as a citizen of this wonderful country that I have to be in constant fear and a completely self aware when it comes to police officers.   Some of you may wake up everyday afraid of being robbed  or raped or the victim of a heinous crime.  But I wake up thinking that at some point in my life my number is going to be pulled and I'm going to come face to face with a member of law enforcement and that person might kill me.  This may sound crazy to you but it's true.  As a Black male living in America I am afraid of the people who have sworn an oath to protect me.  Because I know that in this country the value of a Black male's life means next to nothing if you can't dribble a basketball, break tackles, or are funny in movies.  And I know that some people out there might think that I am being ridiculous and that I'm exaggerating my stance but I assure you I am not.  Too many times I have to turn on the news and see young Black men dead at the hands of law enforcement.  And too many times those Black men are unarmed.  

For all those that know me they know that I am about the most mild mannered person you will ever meet, and I genuinely want to get to know just about ever person I meet.  My nickname in college my freshman year was Cupcake for god's sake.  But I know that from the outside looking in that I am a 6'3 and a large man that can look imposing.  So maybe I do go out of my way to be friendly towards people and act in a mild manner because don't ever want there to be a situation where people are afraid of me.  And it makes me mad as hell, because why should I have to even be this way.  Why do I have to go out of my way to make people feel like I'm not a threat?

So Michael Brown was unarmed and he was shot and killed.  And there was no indictment.  So the cop was justified in shooting and unarmed man, and he was justified in waiting so long to call it in, and the police force of ferguson was justified in letting the body sit out in the street and rot for hours, and they are also justified in the age of technology where my 8 year old cousin has a phone with video capability in not having dash cameras on their cars.  The whole situation stinks to me, but I know we live in a country of due process and that process played itself out, but somehow it doesn't seem like justice was done.  And I'm sure months from now we will all have forgotten about this mess and moved on to the next scandal and Michael Brown will be nothing more than a statistic to all those outside of his family.  And I just can't help thinking who will be the next Michael Brown?  Who will be the next Unarmed Black Male to die at the hands of a cop?  Will it be me?

Right now at this very moment, to quote a wonderful movie Network, I'M MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!  But we all know that's not true.  I'm going to continue to live my life in the right way that I've been taught my whole life and just hope to god that I'm number never gets pulled and that it's not my parents at the center of all of this because I was shot down.  

The first step to solving a problem is to admitting that there is one.  And there is a big problem in this country and I'm tired of hearing people say that because there is a black president there can't be racism or prejudice, that in and of itself is a problem.  The problem is that in this country white people do not trust black people, and black people do not trust white people.  I know that there are a thousand ways to argue against this and people reading this might completely disagree with me and that is fine.  You are wrong, but it is your right.  And until we acknowledge this and I mean really acknowledge this and go out of our ways to talk about it, and I mean talk about it in ways that make everybody talking uncomfortable we will never be able to solve it.  If you are out there and you took the time to read this and think about it, thank you.  And if you want to talk about any of it with me please please do.