Things Get Hard

So I've been a little off my game the last few days.  I guess some could argue the last few months and then others might even say the last few years.  I don't know if that's true or not really.  I just know that the last few days I've felt like laying in my bed with the covers over my head.  I think they call that depression.  But I don't really feel like I'm depressed, I just feel like I'm a little beaten.  Not all the way down but enough to need to lean up against the ropes just a bit, before I just back in there to take a little more punishment.

I recently went home.  the funny thing about being away for a bit and then coming back home is that in some ways, not all of them, you might find that the thing that has changed the most is you.  I mean it all feels very familiar and even exactly the way you left it and then in other ways it feels as if you just landed on the moon.  Everyone is leading these lives that are very spectacular and where you use to fit in like the unsolved piece to their puzzle, you find that maybe after this bit of time your piece is to a different puzzle entirely.  

I haven't been gone for that long really and hear I am blubbering to all of you on this totally self involved blog.  The day I was leaving Oklahoma I went to see a friend and have a chat.  And somewhere along the line I began to cry.  I know, I know but really that's natural because if any of you have ever read this or know me at all you know I am a bit of a crier.  It all snuck up on me so fast because at that moment I realized that there are so many moments I'm going to miss.  There is no doubt about it.  And those moments with so many people that I love so much I'll never ever get back.

But you know that's the thing about life isn't it.  It's all about choices.  You make the best ones you think you can and then you just have to live with them.  I'm not sorry for the choice that I made to move out here I'm just sad about what I have to give up.  And believe me if you knew any of the people that I know, if you know my friends and family you would know that I am giving up a hell of a lot.

But here I am back here in L.A. chasing something that seems to be just out of my grasp.  God that seems to be the story of my life.  Close enough to touch, but just out of reach.  And suddenly my life out here feels very foreign to me as well.  I know that this is all just anxiety or what have you and that it is this thing that is building up in me that always seems to because I am and always have been more worried about the destination than the journey.  

I know that somewhere out there, there is somebody that feels exactly the same way about all these things as I do.  I hope that by happenstance you stumble upon this little piece of what I like to call writing.  I hope that you feel that you are not alone in all of this.  I hope that you remember that even though it seems and feels hard and lonely at times that you can never stop pushing back.  It's meant to be hard.  If it was easy everybody would do it.  It's the hard that makes it great.