This weird thing has been happening to me the last few days. I go to my room, get my computer out start to write but then I don't and I just kind of lay down and as I do I turn my head and what do I see... Well I see a pair of shoes I bought about a year ago. Wow, a year ago. It's already a year ago, where does the time go???? So I see these shoes and I just become fixated on them, it's really quite weird. I mean the last two days I've laid here and stared at them for at least five minutes. Now granted five minutes is a glint of dust if we think about the history of time and space, but five minutes looking at a pair of shoes. That's a fucking(pardon my French) eternity.
They are a year old, and they are still perfectly fine. They are a good pair of shoes. But they are dirty and dusty and no where near brand new. But they're shoes I guess they aren't meant to be spotless, and after all I do stick my stinky feet into them so what can I expect. I mean I know they are dusty because I've worn them out to the tailgate and kicked up a little dust and had a good time in them. And they are still as comfortable as the day I bought them with no problems, but they aren't necessarily the kicks you wear out on your first date with somebody.
And I'll be damned if this thought doesn't just keep creaking up in my head. "Am I these shoes?? Are these shoes me?? I can't be these shoes can I?? I am more than a dusty old pair of good time shoes aren't I???" I know how this sounds crazy right? After all I am a live real boy.
But sometimes you just don't know. You start to think to yourself, I am those shoes. Sure I'm nice and comfortable and perfectly adequate, but also I am dusty and worn out and I'm there for a good time if you need one, but I'm not your first choice. I'm not your go to shoe in the clutch. I am the dusty old shoes in the corner.
Obviously that is completely melodramatic but please don't tell me I'm the only one that feels like this from time to time. When I was younger I had a person, well full disclosure a person of interest send me, "Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because that's all we'll ever be?" Ouch, talk about a loaded gun. I think that was the very moment that I feel in love with bittersweet and tragic endings. People think I'm crazy for that but there just seems to be so much of it out there and I just get it. I just get how something can leave such a profound and optimistic look on how you feel while crushing you all at the same time.
I can tell you this, I must make a damn good friend, because people always seem to want to make sure nothing happens with that. Oh god now it really sounds melodramatic. This isn't a whoa is me, this is just a guy talking about some shit he's been thinking about. There's this seen in a short, Hotel Chevalier, where Natalie Portman asks if they can still be friends. And he says to her, "I promise I will never be your friend." One of the most penetrating and baller lines I've ever seen delivered in a movie. And then after he banged her, and there is a side shot of Natalie Portman naked with "Where do you go to my lovely." by Peter Sarstedt playing(one of my favorite songs because of this by the way)
I don't know why I've decided to write all this but if felt kind of good tonight. If you read this and think this guy is a poor sad sack, don't, because I'm not. This is all something I just felt needed to be said. I mean the past two weeks I've had three of the best conversations I've had all year. By and man named Don, a man named Mike, and a man named Cooper. One urging me to never give up the good fight no matter how down and out you are. One telling me to do it, follow my dreams to where ever they may take me, and one telling me , "Yes Brandon, you are a writer."
So you all tell me, does I guy that has friends like that really have a right to be a sad sack. I certainly don't think so, and hey maybe I am a dirty pair of shoes. I'm sure there are those out there that might like the mess.
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