I shouldn't have but I did

Now against my better judgement I did something that i knew I shouldn't have tonight.  I mean I just knew deep down in the pit of my stomach that I just shouldn't do it but I just for the life of me couldn't help myself. I'm like a child that wonders in to the middle of the conversation with no frame of reference(for all you nerds out there that now what I'm talking about, you're welcome). And because I did what I knew I shouldn't have done, I ended up just exactly where I thought I would end up.  Where is that you might ask?  Well in my bed crying like a baby of course.  Well maybe not like a baby, more like heroic man tears, if you get my drift.

SO I bet right about now you're wondering what could make a grown make cry such manly heroic tears, well the answer to that could be a number of things.  Like for instance, watching that jack ass who shall remain nameless in my book muff two punts and cost the 49ers a chance to make it back to the Super Bowl where they would have won their 6th championship, that's just one thing.  Watching the movie SUPER 8 and being reminded just what it felt like the be a kid and be filled will wonder and excitement.  These are just two examples I thought of right off the top of my head but that is not what caused me to cry tonight.  It was something very different.

Tonight..... I decided to even though I told myself not to I did it anyway and watched the second trailer for the movie MAN OF STEEL!!!! Oh no he didn't... Yes I most certainly did, and wow did it hit me right in the kisser.  And that folks is saying something.  I say that because I'm not the biggest Superman fan.  There are so many people that I know would love nothing more than to tear my head off for saying that but seriously I just don't have that Superman button in my that so many other people that I  know do. I always preferred the darkness of Batman more, or even the cockiness of Iron Man, or the straight badassness of Wolverine.  Superman just never quite registered with me like he did with all the rest of my classmates.

That is until right now.  Holy Balls, it looks to me like Zach Snyder is trying to make a believer out of me, in the same way that J. J. Abrams made a believer out of me with the new Star Trek.  I can still remember the first trailer for that movie there was a line in that trailer that just gave me chills and made me tear up after he first time I saw it, and I knew after that I was going to see Star Trek.  Christopher Pike: "Now, your father was captain of a Starship for 12 minutes.  He saved 800 lives including yours. I dare you to do better."  Oh my god I was hooked after that. and if I didn't just have a blast watching that movie.

And now comes this damn MAN OF STEEL trailer and damn if it didn't just hit me on every different level.  I just makes me realize how much I love movies. The imagination and wonder of it all.  Reading these comic books as a kid.  Feeling tall and awkward and goofy and completely out of place, but being able to completely lose yourself in your imagination and now seeing people put this stuff that I could only imagine on the big screen.  God it makes me fall in love all over again, time after time.  So please go watch the trailer, or watch this trailer I'm about to post and go see some movies this weekend for god sake, it'll make you feel good.  Trust me I know all about these things.

Thanks to Cusack

I must admit to you all right here and now that I am rather partial to John Cusack.  Now granted I'm not saying that everything he's done has been gold, i.e. Must Love Dogs, Pushing Tin, and god 2012.  But let me just say that some of the characters he's created I will remember forever.  He does that rare thing for me, and this is the problem with movies in this day and age I think.  He just makes a number of solid movies.

I feel like there use to be so many more solid movies that would come out.  Now it's like Blockbusters, Shit, More Shit, then it's Oscar Season movies.  Were did all the just solid that was a good movie go?  I'm either watching movies that are built for tweens, or I'm watching the latest in gore, freaky, crazy, did you see that ghost are all around us that's why is scary, or shit blowing up everywhere from start to finish, so much stuff in the frame my eyes can't keep up, or heavy handed performance pieces... Now granted I can watch the latter any day of the week, but seriously what ever happened to just going in and watching a good solid movie?

That's what a lot of Cusack is for me.  Just solid shit that I really dig.  And I was reminded of that from a quote from one of his greatest movies might I add(thank you Jamie) "Where are all the good men dead? In the heart or in the head?"-Grosse Pointe Blank   If you haven't seen it, child please, go out and watch it as soon as you can.  If you don't like it, well then you're and idiot and I can't help you. KIDDING.  

Then there is the weirdo he plays in Being John Malkovich, seriously you'll hardly recognize him, and it's such a sweet movie. There's High Fidelity which I know so many people have to love because it's solid. Then there is one of my personal favorites, The Sure Thing... I mean it's just totally 80's in the best possible way, and it's a road trip movie so clutch.  

And let us not forget about Lloyd Dobler.  I mean really the eternal optimist that just gets it done in the weirdest of ways. The guy that is more self assured at 18 than most people are there whole lives.  Good I love love Say Anything...  Yeah I know all about the cliche Peter Gabrielle song that everyone  has to know from the movie. But damn it cliches are that for a reason that song and that seen and that movie is just the tits, that's all there is to it.

"What I really want to do with my life - What I want to do for a living - Is I want to be with you daughter. I'm good at it." -Say Anything...

"Don't be a guy, be a man. The world is full of guys." -Say Anything...

Anyway, that's my thing for the night, I guess I'm gonna go polish off John Cusack and then maybe go to bed... Tell me what you think... Who is one of your favorite random actors that you don't think gets enough love?

Dirty Shoes

So this is kind of depressing.  Don't you just hate it when something you are reading starts off that way.  I suggest you all stop reading right now... No kidding keep reading I need you to, other wise I'm just a hack writing to myself, which I guess wouldn't be so bad because I kind of like myself at the moment.

This weird thing has been happening to me the last few days. I go to my room, get my computer out start to write but then I don't and I just kind of lay down and as I do I turn my head and what do I see... Well I see a pair of shoes I bought about a year ago. Wow, a year ago. It's already a year ago, where does the time go???? So I see these shoes and I just become fixated on them, it's really quite weird.  I mean the last two days I've laid here and stared at them for at least five minutes.  Now granted five minutes is a glint of dust if we think about the history of time and space, but five minutes looking at a pair of shoes.  That's a fucking(pardon my French) eternity. 

They are a year old, and they are still perfectly fine.  They are a good pair of shoes. But they are dirty and dusty and no where near brand new. But they're shoes I guess they aren't meant to be spotless, and after all I do stick my stinky feet into them so what can I expect.  I mean I know they are dusty because I've worn them out to the tailgate and kicked up a little dust and had a good time in them. And they are still as comfortable as the day I bought them with no problems, but they aren't necessarily the kicks you wear out on your first date with somebody.

And I'll be damned if this thought doesn't just keep creaking up in my head. "Am I these shoes?? Are these shoes me?? I can't be these shoes can I?? I am more than a dusty old pair of good time shoes aren't I???" I know how this sounds crazy right? After all I am a live real boy.

But sometimes you just don't know.  You start to think to yourself, I am those shoes.  Sure I'm nice and comfortable and perfectly adequate, but also I am dusty and worn out and I'm there for a good time if you need one, but I'm not your first choice.  I'm not your go to shoe in the clutch. I am the dusty old shoes in the corner.

Obviously that is completely melodramatic but please don't tell me I'm the only one that feels like this from time to time. When I was younger I had a person, well full disclosure a person of interest send me, "Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because that's all we'll ever be?" Ouch, talk about a loaded gun.  I think that was the very moment that I feel in love with bittersweet and tragic endings.  People think I'm crazy for that but there just seems to be so much of it out there and I just get it.  I just get how something can leave such a profound and optimistic look on how you feel while crushing you all at the same time. 

I can tell you this, I must make a damn good friend, because people always seem to want to make sure nothing happens with that.  Oh god now it really sounds melodramatic. This isn't a whoa is me, this is just a guy talking about some shit he's been thinking about. There's this seen in a short, Hotel Chevalier, where Natalie Portman asks if they can still be friends.  And he says to her, "I promise I will never be your friend."  One of the most penetrating and baller lines I've ever seen delivered in a movie. And then after he banged her, and there is a side shot of Natalie Portman naked with "Where do you go to my lovely." by Peter Sarstedt playing(one of my favorite songs because of this by the way)

I don't know why I've decided to write all this but if felt kind of good tonight. If you read this and think this guy is a poor sad sack, don't, because I'm not.  This is all something I just felt needed to be said.  I mean the past two weeks I've had three of the best conversations I've had all year. By and man named Don, a man named Mike, and a man named Cooper.  One urging me to never give up the good fight no matter how down and out you are. One telling me to do it, follow my dreams to where ever they may take me, and one telling me , "Yes Brandon, you are a writer."

So you all tell me, does I guy that has friends like that really have a right to be a sad sack.  I certainly don't think so, and hey maybe I am a dirty pair of shoes. I'm sure there are those out there that might like the mess.

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Becoming a THE

Tonight I think I'll start off and end with talking about something near and dear to my heart, and that's people.  More importantly it is the people that I am close to.  Over the past month I got the chance to spend time with some of my favorite people in the history of the world, and over this time period there has been something that has just been sort of building in me, and I knew I was going to write about it in some way or another, and tonight I just figured I would write so that all you might know exactly how I feel.

There has been this thing sort of building in me lately.  It's something that maybe a lot of people go through at one point or another in their lives or maybe I'm the only crazy person that has this kind of stuff happening to him, my therapist says it's something about child abandonment issues. Just kidding I don't go to a therapist, I mean I don't need somebody else to tell me I'm crazy. But anyway I digress, so I've been having this "what does it all mean?" "where is my place in this world?" kind of moments lately and just this overall feeling of what am I doing.  And over the past month spending time with my favorite people has lead me to realize something about myself.

I'm an IS, and at some point, and I'm not saying today or tomorrow, but someday I know that I want to be a part of a THE.  I know that sentence is really confusing so let me explain this to you and you all be the judge and tell me what you think. 

When I go out or I'm at a party or I'm just meeting people for the first time somebody will normally introduce me by saying, "hey, this IS Brandon, or this IS Ponder." Which is cool perfectly understandable because I am and IS.  But what I'm telling all of you tonight is that I can't wait until the point the I'm a part of a THE. As in "hey, let me introduce you to THE Ponders." Because in the past month or so I've seen first hand just how special it is to be a part of a THE.

I know this sounds really weird, believe me I know what the things that come out of my head sound like, but on this one I'm so serious.  And you need to know not everyone can be a THE.  Just because you're in a relationship or you're a part of a family unit it doesn't mean that you are automatically a THE. 

I know it all sounds crazy but you just don't know about this stuff first hand like I do.  But if you did you would know exactly what I'm talking about.  If you had a chance to spend a Saturday with THE Nievars watching college football and yelling at the tv trying to will Pittsburg to beat Notre Dame you would. Or if you were lucky enough to spend a two and a half hour meal with THE Hagedorns listening to them going back and forth trying to keep up and get some of the worst service ever you'd know. Or spend an evening with THE hoopers eating homemade tacos talking about books and movies and cutting a new demo in the studio you would. Or is you had the chance to have a few too many beers and crash at THE Merrells and get the chance to see them lovingly go back and forth with each other you would know just what I'm talking about.

And I just want to thank these people because they seem to without even knowing they did teach me a very valuable lesson. Because as awesome as my life is now, and believe me it is and even though I do complain I'm thankful for every breath I get to take.  I have to admit to myself that I am looking forward to the time when I can become a part of a THE.  Just an entirely random thought I know, but I figured what the hell, why not share it with all of you.

Cloud Atlas

This weekend I went to the movies. I know surprise, surprise. For those of you that know me, I mean really know me you'll know that this is pretty much my weekend schedule.  Get off work on Friday, go to the liquor store, maybe get a bottle of SoCo, or maybe just some imported beers go home fire up the netflix queue and watch something that I've never seen before.  Bicycle Thief, Chinatown, Pycho, Shakespeare in Love for the tenth time. And that's just Friday by the way.

This time of year happens to be my favorite, because it's oscar season.  It's the time of the year when all the great movies start rolling out and all the theaters here in Oklahoma become increasingly empty, so not only do I get to see great movies I get to see them in a theater all by my lonesome.  Now I know to most of you out there that sounds incredibly weird, but for me that's the closest thing the therapy I'll ever need.  And what was my form of therapy this last weekend? What movie do you all get to hear me go on and on about?  That movie was none other than Cloud Atlas.

It has taken me a few days to even really begin to talk about this movie, because really it has a lot of big ideas and it is quite complex, but not at all in a bad way.  If there were more filmmakers taking risks like this and making these types of movies, well maybe movies wouldn't be becoming more and more of the extinct nature. I mean almost every single time I walk into a theater I am blown away by somebody else's vision.  

The sad thing about a movie like Cloud Atlas is that even though there really are all these basic concepts and stories going on throughout the story itself seems so complex and overwhelming that people just won't go out there and see it. And really that's just a shame.  It really is to bad that we live in a world where people literally need to be slapped in the face with and idea to understand it and want to see it.  I mean if the movie was named Chase scenes and Car explosions I'm sure everyone would want to go see it.  Or if Channing Tatum took his shirt off in the preview perhaps. 

The thing that is great about this movie for me is that it's this epic movie with so much basic human sentiment throughout.  I have been know to be a big fan of those human emotional moments.  This movie is exciting, it's funny, it's action packed, it's personal, it's sweet, it's daring, it's thoughtful, it's insightful, all rolled into one and does it ever pack a punch.  

I am almost certain that come oscar time this movie will be nominated for all sorts of technical awards, from make-up, to special effects, to editing, and even score which for me was so very beautiful it was one of my favorite parts about the whole movie. But let me tell you that the acting in this movie is top notch and should not go unnoticed.  I mean Tom Hanks is in it so really that is just a no brainer as far as I'm concerned, I mean this man makes a living out of being anybody that you need him to be. I believe him 100 percent in every single role that he has ever played in, and it this movie like all the other actors within the movie he plays so many roles.

With movies like this sometimes I will admit that they can be a little heavy handed and they can bog you down with so many ideas that can be so heavy for you to think about that by the time the movie is over you just leave the theater with a headache.  Movies like The Fountain, or Tree of Life, or even The Master which I saw this year automatically come to mind.  Don't get me wrong, because I personally love all there of the movies that I just mentioned, and I think that they are all Masterpieces in their own right. But I will also admit that right off the bat among first viewing of them all I didn't quite get them, they were all made by much smarter men than me.

Cloud Atlas is not like that at all, sure it's complex and you have to pay attention to what you are watching, but there is so much humor and lightheartedness in this movie that it isn't very hard to do so.  You don't feel as if you are getting hit over the head with all these big ideas at all.  Quite frankly it wasn't until after the movie was over with that all of the complexity of the movie came back to me and made me think for a little while. I must say that I absolutely loved it and that I think that everyone should go out and see it.  So instead of going out this weekend and watching Paranormal Activity 4 or watching Alex Cross go out and watch Cloud Atlas, it is a can't miss I promise you, and if it does miss for you Bite Me!

Polititcal Post

"To find something, anything, a great truth or a lost pair of glasses, you must first believe there would be some advantage in finding it. I found something a long time ago, and have held on to it for grim death ever since. I owe my success in life to it; it put me where I am today. This principle: What you don't know, won;t hurt you. They called it idealism in a book I read." 

   These are the opening lines to a movie that I rather enjoy. Although it was somewhat panned by critics when it came out, I say F*%# them and watch it anyway.  And in honor of tomorrow election I decided to watch it tonight.  It's call ALL THE KING'S MEN.  Granted the things in the movie have nothing to do with the election that is going on tomorrow, but I recommend it all the same.  

   I'll tell you right now I am the last person that will ever get political on people, and I love the stuff.  I love talking about politics and listening to people talk about politics, hell I love arguing about politics.  But with all that said I rarely ever get into any of these confrontation that I use to get into in my formative years.  I know that not everyone is political minded and most people these days it just seems like they don't even care. And I start to say to myself today that I respect that. I say to myself, "Hey, that's their right. They don't want to care about politics, they don't want to vote more power to them." 

   It is at this exact point that I begin to get a upset with myself.  I know for a fact that I have become complacent.  I use to have this fire burning in my, and not just about politics, about all sorts of things, but it feels like at some point I just let my own fire burn out.  But not anymore. It is not okay to not be political, it is not okay to not vote.  My entire generation is nothing more that a bunch of money grubbing, self involved, assholes.  I mean year after year I have to listen to analyst talk about how younger people DON'T get out and vote and how they can't be counted on to.  And I want to think that isn't true, but I know that it is.  And why is that the case.

   We just don't care. Even though it does effect us, we all think that it doesn't effect us.  I had a thought today when I was listening to yet another twenty something that I know tell me that they aren't registered to vote, and how they don't see how it matters one way or another.  The thought that came to me is a thought that comes to me often these days.  And maybe it's just because I'm getting older but it is something that always seems the clear up those gray areas that seem to come about from time to time.  And that thought that I am talking about is what would my grandfather think? 

   Most of the time that single thought scares the shit out of me. And it is that thought that brings me to my point.  My whole god damned generation hasn't had to fight for a damn thing.  I mean really fight and struggle for something.  There was a time in this country when a person with my skin color wouldn't be allowed to vote, a time when a person of my skin color wasn't even thought of as a person at all. There was a time when women couldn't be allowed to vote. And my grandfather lived in this time period, and he struggled through this time period, so how in the hell could I look at myself in the mirror with good conscience and not vote, and not care about the political process.

   I know that at this moment I am up on my soap box and there are those of you out there that are going to read this and not give two shits about it, but really and honestly I just hope that's not the case. Because all of this does matter. It matters a great deal to the people that have come before us and really and honestly even if you don't know it right now, it matters to those that will come long after us. I think I'm done now, I'm sorry if this was a waste of your time, but I really and truly hope that it wasn't.  

   But I guess I'll leave you with this last little bit from the All The King's Men, you're welcome Coop,  "If you don't vote, you don't matter!"

Take a Walk

  So this weekend was a big weekend for me. I went on a little bit of an adventure and I went and visited my sister. The thing about this little trip is that it was something that I absolutely needed... You know when you've just been kind of hitting your head against a brick wall, and you just need a breath of fresh air to get some perspective back.  Well that's what this weekend has given to me.  And seriously thank god for sisters like mine.  

  Anybody that knows me or that has talked to me in the last five years knows that Chicago is one of my absolute favorite cities, and on this special occasion I got to see the town in a whole other light.  And believe me there is nothing quite like sitting on the balcony of a high rise drinking a beer and just watching and observing the city.  Watching the cars drive by and watching all the people walking this way and that. Each of them living their own separate lives, each of them with their own unique story to tell. They are all the heroes of their own stories.  

  I got to walk around a major city in the rain and let me just tell you all for the record there is just nothing like it. And yes I know that I have this infatuation with romanticism and I fancy myself as one of the last great romantics, but god was it great. I mean the rain is coming down, but it doesn't even matter, the city doesn't just shut down, people are still on the go doing whatever it is that they have planned, and I just get to take it all in.  The people scurrying about, the horns of the cab drivers blaring out as they speed down the street, bums packing up their stuff trying to find a dry spot away from the rain. I promise you there is nothing quite like it.

  I find myself here at 230 in the morning writing this hoping that the feelings and the inspiration that I have right now never ends. I almost don't want to wake up tomorrow because I know I'm going to have to go to the airport and come home, and I'm really just not ready for all that. I want to walk around this city some more, I want to go and see more art, I want to be one face in a sea of millions of people but feel as if I totally stand out.

  So tonight I'm asking each and everyone of you that reads this, the next time you get the chance, TAKE A WALK. I know that my core audience is in Oklahoma and that's okay. Go downtown and just walk around the buildings. Look around at all that is going on and all the beauty that is around you. And while you're walking take a little time for yourself and think about anything and everything. And after you've spent enough time contemplating the mysteries of the universe remember this..... Remember just how lucky you are to be alive and living that very day, remember that that day is the greatest day of your life, and no matter what is happening or what will happen it will be okay. Because we are all infinite, and our lives no matter how big or small transcend time and space.

I Should have Left You!

It feels very weird being back on here writing to all of you.  You know how you are, the very few that ever really followed this thing. The very few that I feel like I kind of let down. I want to say sorry, I shouldn't have just left you. Not like I did.  I won't lie to you it really has been a rough year for me, with this overwhelming crisis of who I am. Which I'm pretty sure most people spend there whole lives trying to figure that one out.  I know I will, because even as I'm evolving into the person that i am now I know for a fact that it will change.

It took a long time and with some peoples help I have finally jumped back onto the path that I feel I need to be on physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It feels pretty good. I was at a friends house this week watching football, and he asked why I stop doing my blog. It really wasn't the biggest of deals, but when I left that night and all the next day I thought about it. To be honest I had no idea that he even read it. And it got me to thinking about a lot of things.

We all of us as people are so much more than we think ourselves to be. There are times this past year when I have felt really small, for lots of reasons and no reason at all. But hearing my friend as me why I stopped writing my blog made me feel so much more alive and special than I have felt really in the past year. I know it sounds crazy, but it did, I mean I told him that I didn't know why I had stopped writing but I knew, I knew exactly why I had stopped.

I had given up. I had given up on the possibility that I could make my dreams come true, and I had given up on the person that I thought I could be. It's sad really but I know that sometimes in life we give up on ourselves. Sometimes it's because things get hard, or maybe things seem impossible, or maybe you've fallen into a funk and you just stop believing that good things can happen to you.  I'm here to tell you today that it's just not true. I believe that good things are happening to us everyday, we just don't take the time to stop and realize it.

I believe that above all things that I've done thus far in life the thing that I have done the best are my friends. And there is something to be said for that. The people that you choose to have around you in your life can lift you up to places you never thought possible. I won't go into detail of all the people that have been there helping me, but you all know who you are and if any of you are reading this, thank you and I love you. I won't lose sight again.

Now that all of that is done I've going to be really quick about this. If you read this far I'm going to ask you all to do something for me. You may not know this right now, but by doing something for me, you are actually going to be doing something for yourself.  Go out as soon as you can and see The Perks of Being a Wallflower. 

If you have ever read any of my stuff before you know that when I start talking about a movie I can tend to go on and on and on, so with that said, I'm not going to do that tonight. I'm simple going to say that this movie is what it's all about. It takes you through so many different emotions and there is just so much heart in there. I loved every second of it, and I'm not ashamed to say that I teared up a few times in it. It's that good folks, it was one of the best times I've had at the movies this year, and lets face it, that's saying something because I go to a lot of movies. So thank you for reading this, and don't worry there will be more to come, I promise.

Here is the trailer for those of you that don't know what this movie is about.