Rambling

I keep having this dream. It starts out very vividly, I'm not really sure where exactly i am but I am out in the water. And suddenly my legs just kind of give out, and I'm flapping my arms as fast and as hard as I can, but eventually they give out as well. and I just begin to sink. The crazy thing is that I'm just sinking and my brain is telling my body what it should be doing. You know what it needs to be doing to survive, but it just doesn't seem to be working. And after I can't hold my breath any longer I just open up and let it all overtake me. Now it is right around this moment that I seem to wake up in a panic. I've had that dream for the past three nights now. I kind of don't want to go to sleep tonight because I feel it might be more of the same.

But when I'm awake I can't say that it is too much better. I look out the window in my sister's apartment and I think that I actually might be drowning. I kind of feel the walls closing in on me. Did I make a mistake? Is this what I should be doing, or am I just bringing her down with me.

Sometimes I think I should just leave. Leave it all you know, no cell phone, no nothing. I don't want to be that guy you know. I don't want to be that guy that brings everyone else down with him. I didn't think I was that guy, but sometimes I get the feeling that I might be. I don't want people to have to worry about me messing thing up you know. I think that might think that, hell I kind of think that. This is not who I was always meant to be, but somehow, here I am. I think that I have let a lot of people down. I know I've let myself down thus far. I think I can see the disappointment in their eyes sometimes, even when they are doing there best to let me know that things happen, and you just have to keep trying.

My dad told me that you only fail when you stop trying. He said it's just life and things happen, but you have to keep going, when you stop that's when you fail. But I feel like I've already failed and that really sucks. I don't think I'm the man he wanted me to be, I always think that's hard for me, but I bet it's harder on him. A little image of himself running around being less than what he expected, probably doesn't feel too good.

I don't know why for the life of my I started writing this entry, I guess I wanted to talk about a dream that i felt was becoming reality or something, I don't know. It's a good thing nobody really reads this shit because it is total shit right now. Sorry for those of you who do. I'll wrap this thing up right now though. I was watching this movie the other day, and there was a line in it that was something like, " It's big, to finally let go and accept the life you never wanted." or something to that effect. And I remember being in the theater all by myself and thinking am I going to know what that feels like someday? Am I going to feel that way? I don't know....