Fridays after Five

Just last friday I had my first experience of "Friday's after Five" here in good ol' charlottesville. Now you may be asking yourself right now what exactly is"Friday's after Five" , you may not be also, you may be wondering how on earth did I stumble into this guy's blog? Either way you're here now so I'm just going to tell you. "Friday's after Five" is a thing they do here in charlottesville where a band puts on a concert at the downtown amphitheater, and people just sort of walk around and drink and eat and just enjoy the vibe of everything.

I must say that it was a pretty cool experience for me. Just being in that atmosphere with all of these very different people watching a jazz band up on stage was pretty cool. And really the coolest thing about the whole evening was the fact that I got to sit back and partake in one of my favorite past times, which is people watching. And let me just tell you like everywhere else there are some pretty crazy people that live here in charlottesville. But this entry is not to talk about all of those people, it's just about one in particular.

The first person that I'm going to talk about is a girl that I saw there. She really was just an ordinary girl like any other girl you might see these days. She was in her early 20's I'd say, definitely in college are on her way out. I think she probably didn't quite fit in high school through no fault of her own, just really didn't have to much in common with anybody there. But in college she has found the people that she was truly meant to be around. That sort of laid back bohemian group of people that just love to hang out in a field and hackie sack, or love talking about all different types of independent and foreign films. That love these little bitty coffee shops and cd stores that nobody has really ever heard about. I'm not at all saying any of this like it is a bad thing, because I seriously do fit into a lot of those categories that I just mentioned.

Now while I was watching this girl I found out one thing about myself, and that was the fact that never in my life did I want to be an inanimate object as much as I did when I saw her. She went up to a clearing on a hill and picked up a hula hoop, and she began hula hooping, and after just a few minutes of watching her I became completely mesmerized by her. I mean the way she was spinning this hula hoop up and down her body and flipping it around her hands and back down her body, I promise you it was like poetry in motion. I could almost swear that I was having this out of body experience. And it was quite wonderful. And after about five minutes or so she finally messed up and came down off the hill and hooked back up with the rest of her friends. But the thing is I think that is way I am in love with life so much that it sometimes hurts. Because I can see the beauty in all of these great things. Things that most people might just look at as an everyday occurrence, but to me it's not like that. Sometimes I feel like there is so much beauty in this world that we are all missing and it makes me sad. Sometimes it makes me sad because i feel like I need to find away to translate some of the beauty that I see to everyone else who might not see it. Sounds crazy I know, but really sanity doesn't sound this great, does it?

Rambling

I keep having this dream. It starts out very vividly, I'm not really sure where exactly i am but I am out in the water. And suddenly my legs just kind of give out, and I'm flapping my arms as fast and as hard as I can, but eventually they give out as well. and I just begin to sink. The crazy thing is that I'm just sinking and my brain is telling my body what it should be doing. You know what it needs to be doing to survive, but it just doesn't seem to be working. And after I can't hold my breath any longer I just open up and let it all overtake me. Now it is right around this moment that I seem to wake up in a panic. I've had that dream for the past three nights now. I kind of don't want to go to sleep tonight because I feel it might be more of the same.

But when I'm awake I can't say that it is too much better. I look out the window in my sister's apartment and I think that I actually might be drowning. I kind of feel the walls closing in on me. Did I make a mistake? Is this what I should be doing, or am I just bringing her down with me.

Sometimes I think I should just leave. Leave it all you know, no cell phone, no nothing. I don't want to be that guy you know. I don't want to be that guy that brings everyone else down with him. I didn't think I was that guy, but sometimes I get the feeling that I might be. I don't want people to have to worry about me messing thing up you know. I think that might think that, hell I kind of think that. This is not who I was always meant to be, but somehow, here I am. I think that I have let a lot of people down. I know I've let myself down thus far. I think I can see the disappointment in their eyes sometimes, even when they are doing there best to let me know that things happen, and you just have to keep trying.

My dad told me that you only fail when you stop trying. He said it's just life and things happen, but you have to keep going, when you stop that's when you fail. But I feel like I've already failed and that really sucks. I don't think I'm the man he wanted me to be, I always think that's hard for me, but I bet it's harder on him. A little image of himself running around being less than what he expected, probably doesn't feel too good.

I don't know why for the life of my I started writing this entry, I guess I wanted to talk about a dream that i felt was becoming reality or something, I don't know. It's a good thing nobody really reads this shit because it is total shit right now. Sorry for those of you who do. I'll wrap this thing up right now though. I was watching this movie the other day, and there was a line in it that was something like, " It's big, to finally let go and accept the life you never wanted." or something to that effect. And I remember being in the theater all by myself and thinking am I going to know what that feels like someday? Am I going to feel that way? I don't know....