Wonder what the world with think of me?

When I'm dead, I wonder what the world will think of me? This is a question that troubles me most of the days of my life. And like most of the days this very day that question has been on my brain. I wonder what they will say when I'm gone. If anybody will say anything or if time will pass over me like dust in the wind. It kind of seems like a stupid thing to think about but to some extent that is all that I ever think about. I mean with so many people out there doing so many different things that mean so much to the world and to so many people, where exactly do I fit in? Or do I really even fit in? Or will I just become another former hippie current yuppie spoon feeding the masses the same old shit that everyone else has been. Will I become that person that had a great idea once but gave it all up because hey this is life I have to sacrifice that to have to picketed fence and the two car garage with the wife and kids living the life that someone else always wanted. Because I was too afraid to ever be anything other than ordinary.

But even so, do I actually even have a great idea in me, or is this all just bullshit that I am talking for no apparent reason. I think that just might be the case some days, but then other days I seem to be totally inspired by everything. I wonder if there will been even one person that feels about me the way that I feel about George Lucas or Kurt Vonnegut or Jackie Robinson when I die. Will I even leave a mark? Because if not what the hell was I put on this earth for anyway. I watched a movie once, and the hero in the movie said, "What man is a man that does not make the world better." I thought about the quote, and I think about it almost everyday. Because as it stands I don't know if I'm doing a damn bit of anything to make this world better, as a matter of fact I know that I'm not. And I struggle with that, because when I leave I want to have done something, anything to make this a better place.

I hope that I can. I hope that some day the enormity of everything that I have given or have tried to give all hits me, and I feel content with what I have done. I hope that at the end of this journey I'm not sitting around saying what if or that I should have done things differently. I realize that when it is all said and done I will probably look back and think to some extent I could have done this differently or maybe even that, but if that is the case I want to be completely used up. I want to be so used up that even if I wished that I could have done things differently I won't be able to because I have given everything that I have. Anyway, who am I really to have any of these thoughts. I'm an afterthought, I'm that funny story about that guy you knew in your twenties, I'm nobody...yet