Failure

I myself am afraid of failure. That has always been my biggest fear. It's so crazy but when I was in seventh grade we had to write an essay about our biggest fears and most people said spiders or snakes or any other of the everyday things that kids would say frighten them, but then there was me, Brandon Ponder seventh grade and already I was afraid that my life was going to be a failure. That is the craziest thing, especially taking into consideration my current situation. But that really is another issue for another day. The real thing is what makes a seventh grader so afraid of failure. I guess I was/am just that kid.

I'm talking about this because well I am about to enter my first film in a film festival, and although I want to think that I'm going to knock it out of the park I just have this feeling that I am going to fail. But really the more and more that I think about it I just don't care if I fail. I guess the thing is that I've failed enough in life. Baseball, girls, etc. It just really doesn't matter you know. Some people fail, well really most people fail and I plan of failing a whole lot, because at least if I'm failing, that means that I'm doing something, not just sitting around with my buddies drinking beer talking about what we should be doing. There is a quote in a movie that I really like, and it goes something like this. "What you're seeing is not the real me. The real me is a spectacular failure." I've always liked that line, I don't know why, maybe every since I've heard it I've hoped that one day I would get the chance to say it, to really say it and mean it you know. Because I feel like with the right feeling I could wear that as a badge of honor. Now I'm not saying that I am a failure or that that is what I want to be when I grow up, I'm just saying I'm not really as afraid of it as I once was.

What am I?

Wow, I think that is has been a little while since I have been on here, and I already know what you are going to say. What about the two other movies. Well I had some important things to deal with this last week and I have something on my mind right now so I will get right into the last two movies so that I can get on with it. 4) Good Will Hunting. 5) Goonies.

Now on to more important things. I want to go on record right here and now and say that maybe I hold people to high up. Because when they come crashing down which inevitably happens, they really do hurt landing right on top of me. It's hard for me though, because I really can't look at anyone and not want to really know what they are about, or what they have been through. And everyone has so much interesting things to say when you really begin to listen. But sometimes I begin to think that maybe I should stop listening. It's like the last few lines from the Catcher in the Rye. Never tell anybody anything, or you'll miss everybody. There are times when I am walking around that I feel so much like Holden Caufield, and I think that sometimes that just kind of scares me. Because I feel as if I could be out of here tomorrow and not even really look back, maybe make a few phone calls to loved ones every six months or so but that really is about it.

Why do you feel this way you might ask. It's easy, people. People just get to you. You let them in and they just break your heart with absolutely no regard, and not a real care in the world about the effect they have had on you. I saw that there is going to be a sneak preview of a movie that I think I'm really going to love this weekend. And I really wanted to text someone right then and there and ask them to go, but I couldn't, because that person has decided to remove themselves from my life. Well just from the interior, they still want to be there on the exterior you know, and that just isn't close to enough. it's really kind of a cop out if you ask me, but hey nobody ever really asks me. So I will go to that movie, and I will probably feel something so special that I can't even put it into words, and when it's over I'll walk about the movie theater and think about it the whole ride home in silence, by myself. Oh poor pathetic me right. I'm over it already, can't you tell.

No what is really bothering me is something deeper. Something that penetrates all the way to the core. I think people don't really see it but within families there are these cracks. Cracks that nobody can really see but are so fragile that when push comes to shove they shatter the entire foundation on which we lay everything. My foundation was shook last week, and I don't know if I can come back from it. When you're a boy, you see a man, and that man is unlike any other man. He is super human almost. And because he is super human and because you are a boy, you grow up trying to live up to that man's expectations. You love all the same things that he does, and you grasp onto his ideals and really you begin to take them as you're own and you defend them to the death. This is the kind of super man that you want to be when you grow up. But then one day you realize that he isn't super human, but that he really is just a man, and at times not even a good one. Now what are you suppose to do? What type of man are you going to be? Was everything you ever thought of this man a lie? Because he lied to you about why he wasn't there when you were born. He said you're mom kept him from being there but that wasn't it. The real reason he wasn't there is because he was engaged to another woman. A woman more to his families liking. So what made him change his mind? Should I not be made that he almost didn't step up to his responsibilities since he did. I don't know, I think I might be made because maybe this is the type of man that I am growing into, and I just don't even know it. What am I if not a product of my father?

Desert Island Movies #3

Movies are a very special thing. So before you get all I'm such a movie buff maybe you should stop for a second and think about what you are saying. Especially if your collection consists of such movies as You Got Served, Butterfly Effect, Legally Blonde, Win A Date With Tad Hamilton, and of course lets not forget The Notebook. Because really people these movies in no way shape or form make you a movie buff. Or maybe they do because a movie buff is someone who just fribilously watch movies on a whim and that is not this guy. But that's a whole other thing all together isn't it. Back to the task at hand, and that is #3.

3.) I'm going to have to go with the movie CLOSER. Now this movie to me is absolutely pitch perfect and fabulous. It seems to me to be one of the most relavent movies about relationships. About the intimacy, the lies, and the all out why that we as humans are completely and utterly fucked up. And for me there is something that is so bitter and said that it is almost refreshing to watch this movie. Another big plus that this movie has going for it is the fact that so many people that I know just absolutely hates it. I sometimes feel that I am a firm believer of if everybody hates it then there must be something more to it. And there are so many people that I know that went into this movie hoping for this great love story and they absolutely get club punched right in the face, and I love it. I remember the first time I saw this movie when it was over that is when I realized that I want to write movies. There were just so many words or phrases that were still ringing in my head, and every scene was getting played back over and over. I knew that I had just seen something that was truely great. And I realized in that moment that it had just changed everything in me. I was struggling to know what it was that was truly going to make me happy after I realized that baseball wasn't going to be the way for me, and writing was going to make me happy. It also happened to be the movie that made me realize how important music was. The Blowers Daughter is basically reason I have gotten into all of the music that for the most part my friends love to tease me about, because they think there is no way in the world that this guy listens to this music, but I do. When I listen to music now I instantly think where does that song fit into a movie. Anyway I'll see you all tomorrow for #4.

Desert Island Movies #2

For me there has always been something special about movies. And it has become increasingly harder for me to talk to people about movies. Not because I don't want to but because I do, and people often times don't want to talk to me about them because I have such a strong opinion about them. And it's not that I mean to or that I am even down grading the movies that other people watch, but when you get into the world of movies and you start talking to people who really love them to you get a chance to see how these people have such big opinions on movies that the only way that you can keep up is if you get your own big opinions and really that is what I do know. Now on to more important business. What is the second movie that I would take with me?

2.) Shakespeare in Love. There are some movies out there that you have been in love with you're entire life. The movies that just live within you that you can always remember the first time you ever watch that movie, and how every since it has held a special place in your heart. This is not that movie. The last part of that statement is true for this movie, because it obviously holds a special place in my heart other wise I would not be talking about it right now, but the first part is definitely not the case. I feel like this movie happened to me at a very important part in my life. And yes it like a car crash or being mugged it most certainly did happen to me. I don't remember the exact day and all the little details like I do with some movies, but I do remember that I never really wanted to see this movie. I wasn't really a big Paltrow fan and I really just had not interest in it at all, but one day me and Cooper sat down and watched it and I remember when it was all said and done it took me almost a day to really soak in what I had just saw.

I say that is film came at an important time because it was right around the time in my life that I really committed my love to film and I began to be very critical of films and just what makes a movie great. Not just the feelings of nostalgia that you might get when you watch a certain movie or that it has funny lines and makes you laugh or that it has bananas special effects. I had just gotten into the entirety of it all. I'm talking the screenplay, the lighting, the camera work and the way it is cut, the costumes, the set pieces, the raw emotions that the actors give off. I had just jumped head first into film and this movie spit out what I like to think is a masterpiece of art. And more importantly it did it in a year where there were movies like Saving Private Ryan and The Thin Red Line which where masterpieces in their own rights, but Shakespeare in Love was the one on top, and I will always think deservingly so. It is so beautiful a love story I really can't even put it into words. And it is so sophisticated that it really just is hard to put into words. And it has something that I myself really think that all love stories should have, and this really is my own personal opinion and really not too many people out there agree with this fact but I love it when a love story has sort of a bitter sweet ending. It's not quite happily ever after but its not just pain and heartache. And I guess that it was said best in a movie that I saw a couple of years ago, and that is that, only unfulfilled love can be truly romantic. And that's how I feel about this move. It is romantic in the best possible way. So stay tuned for number #3.

Desert Island Movies #1

Well it has been just about a week since my last post. I just felt like I needed to give everyone even myself a chance to take in the last post which was almost a book long. And now I'm going to lighten things up with this post and talk about a topic that is near and dear to my heart, and that is movies. To be more specific we will be talking about my desert island movies. These movies being the top five movies I would take with me if I was stuck on a desert island for the rest of my life. I am a firm believer that you can found out everything you need to know about a person by the movies that they watch, and more importantly the movies that they love. And here are mine.

1.) Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. The thing about this pick is this. If I could take the "holy trilogy" itself I would, and I have always stated that I think that Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back is the best of all the movies and Episode VI: Return of the Jedi is the most fun, but for me there is something special about A New Hope. It was the first. I can still remember the first time that I ever saw it. It was one of the most magical experiences of my life, and for the next two weeks I swore that I was a Jedi Knight. I truly believe that this movie is were it all started for me. This is the movie that made me love movies. This is the movie that opened up my imagination and made me believe that anything might be possible. I think there is something important about the relationship that a kid has with the first movie that they fall in love with. I myself was a very shy kid and was always more comfortable being by myself, and I believe that this movie allowed me to do that. It allowed me to be in this whole other world and not really notice that fact that I was alone, because I had Han Solo, Chewy, Yoda, and Obi-Won all there with me. And as I've grown up and my love for movies has blown up I can now look back at this movie and appreciate just how great and a head of its time that it really was. How this epic story only gets better with time. So for all these reasons A New Hope ranks right at the top of my desert island movie list.

It has just now come to me that if I spell out all five movies and the reasons why I love each this post with be longer than the one from last week so I will be unleashing my list one day at a time this week, so stay tuned for the rest of the list.

Open your eyes

A story starts off like this: The other day I went to a party. I saw some friends and made a few new ones. I drink quite a bit. I stayed up way past my bedtime. I had the best time. Now I know reading that it doesn't really sound like much, but believe me it was a life altering experience. Filled with so many laughs and some of the best conversations. And really nothing to crazy or over the top happened on this night, but somehow I know that a couple of years down the road I look back on this night and remember it to be something special. When the night was all said and done I went to sleep, and something magical happened.

I dreamt that I went in Yankee stadium. I was standing on the mound in uniform getting ready to pitch, and the crazy thing is that I don't remember anybody else being out there. I know that in my dream I pitched a full game, but the people that were out there playing with me were really kind of irrelivent. It wasn't so much the people that really matter as it was the sounds and smells. The sound of the popping of the mit when the ball lands right in the sweet spot of the pocket. The smell of pine tar and the grass right when you run out on the field for the first time. The sound of the ball coming off of the bat, and all the baseball chatter that goes on throughout a game. It was one of the best and worst dreams that I've ever had. Because when I woke up I realize just how much I love and miss that game. How much I miss the little things that only a baseball player could miss. And then I started to look back on my college career.

It seemed to be a career filled with great highs and great lows, and in the end it was somewhat disappointing. In total my college pitching career was all of 14 innings, and one almost start that was called off because of rain. And I can't help but think about that almost start that I had and if things would have been different if I would have gotten it? I remember that day like it was yesterday. We had traveled to Missouri to play a team. It was such a long bus ride and it felt like everyone just wanted to get the game over with as fast as we could. I didn't know I was going to get the start that day, not until I strapped on my cleats to go warm up. The coach said, "Ponder, you're on the bump today." I thought I was going to pass out right there. All the guys were excited that I was going to be pitching, and I have never been more nervous in my entire life. Halfway through warming up the clouds started to get dark, by the time I went to the bullpen to finish my warm up it had started to rain. And boy did it rain. It seemed like it rained for hours, and after a while the coaches called off the game. We ended up driving back home that day and we all got the weekend off.

I remember at the time that it happened I was so relieved. I was so nervous and so afraid of going out there and sucking that I was relieved that the game got rained out thinking to myself that next time I wouldn't be so nervous. But there never was a next time. The only opportunity I got to start a game in college got rained out, and I was happy. I never told anyone this of course, but I was. I know that not one person will remember that rain out, but I remember it like it happened to me yesterday. Now I've loved and played baseball almost for as long as I've been alive, and that's the one memory I wish I can take back. I always thought that I'd get another shot at it, but I didn't. There is a quote that I heard in a movie and as soon as it was spoken I began to cry. It is this. "In life you get many chances, in baseball you get one." I feel like I have felt the entire weight of that quote.

I realize that this is the world's longest blog and that some will have probably already stopped reading, but I went through all of that to say this little bit. I have this theory on life, it goes like this. Eventually we are going to get older, and eventually we are going to die. So when we get down into that older stage of our lives we should make sure that we have as few regrets as possible. I want to look at the people and the things around me with the wonderment as if I am talking to or looking at them for the very first time, and also as if it could be the last time. I want to soak in every word of every conversation and just let it marinate in my soul, much like the conversations of the party from just the other day. I think that living like this is the only true way to honor yourself, and all those around you that you hold so dear.

Ripple Effect

It is ridiculously early in the morning and I for the life of me cannot sleep. And for the past hour I've been thinking about all sorts of things. You know the mysteries of the universe. And for a while I have been stumped on the mysteries of life. And just now at this very moment I have come to some sort of conclusion. And I really don't even know if it is a very good one, but it is a conclusion. This conclusion that I have come up with is the fact that when we are born there is a ripple effect. Because our birth no matter who it is in this world ripples and touches so many people. I don't think that we are fully aware of this effect either. I don't think that we realize how truly important we all are. How the slightest comment that we might make to someone could in fact alter that person's very existance. Because I was born there are two people in this world that will worry about me until the end of time. And I am very thankful for that fact, because I know that there are people out there that don't have anyone to worry about them. I just hope that i am doing someone of a good job to keep their worrying down to a minimium. Because when something bad happens to me, no matter how hard it is on me, I know that those ripples that I have branch out to everyone. And the thing about those ripples that I'm talking about is that it's almost harder on those people around us than it is on us. So I encourage anyone who is dealing with some sort of personal crisis to keep in mind, the ripple effect.